Growing up is a trap if you give up growing

joaene
joaene
Nov 6 · 4 min read

I thought about a lot of things in the past few months and at some point I thought my life got into this really exhausting routine, but just like every writer I admire, the need to write and reflect comes most in the hardest times.

I wrote many times about depression and self-love and I feel like these two issues are constantly consuming us today. But one thing that popped in my mind was a quote I saw maybe 6–7 years ago on Tumblr: Don’t grow up, it’s a trap. And I agreed with it. It made so much sense after I reflected upon the past 4 years, but the conclusion was yet another quote I created myself: life has funny ways of showing you how to grow up.

The basic theory about growing up is of course the social process. You get education, you make friends, you have relationships, you get a job, you find passions, you go through drinking night, party nights, hangover, bad times, good times and awful times. There’s no heads up, there’s no schedule, there’s no guide. It’s just you, my friend. And as much as we try to figure thing out, the outside world clearly has a more powerful influence than our own will and thoughts. Not true.

You see, if you look at weddings in movies, most of the vows are about love and respect, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health. And our parents are used to telling us that no matter what happens, they are always there for us. To have, to hold. In sickness, in health. So it clear to me that our primary needs will always be related to primary fullfilments: safety, care, love, compassion, support, respect. In 2019, most of us want to make it big. Making it big has no definition. Most of us want to feel safe. Noticed. We want to be seen. We want to have things figured out. And we do, with a lot of things. But either God, the universe, the law of attraction, energies, Astrology or whatever are indeed a very good comedian.

You see, I for example, have noticed that everytime I chose to separate myself from people who were either negative or not inspiring, when I wanted to quit a job or now, when I realised I am in love in the way I feel it, not how I wished I was, the toughest times fell on my shoulders. Primary things instantly kicked in; love, safety, respect, support, compassion. I realized I only want a small group of friends instead of a thiusand aquitances. I realized love is tough and I have to fight for it. I realized that being away from my parents it’s killing me sometimes, but I need to surpass that. That making it on my own professionaly is a much bigger challenge than working for someone who makes me can’t wait to get back home.

And these are fucked up times, hard times, harsh moments and are exhausting. And I have a pair of Stan Smith Adidas who look as trashy as I feel sometimes, and even though my first thought is to get rid of them, my whole inner bitch says: you are not a pair of sneakers, you are growing up.

And growing up is not a trap. It’s not a rollercoaster. It’s not awful. I don’t miss being a child and I don’t miss being the person I was 5, 2 years or 5, 2 months ago. Growing up it’s not all about the level of maturity, but about how you commit to yourself, to what you feel, to what you want. It’s about the commitments we are all afraid of: love, friendships, passions, jobs. It’s not about having to face tough choices, but to make the right choices. It’s not about not being able to say all the stuff you could say as a kid, but to have the courage to speak up. It’s not about expecting the perfect toy, but working for it. And as much as I don’t miss being a child, I remember how well I used to figure out who I want around me, and somehow, I always picked the people with whom I didn’t have the best times. Because just like then, I came to realize the best things in life are indeed not easy, and sacrificing yourself and things for what’s worth it, it’s way better than sacrificing the things that are worth it. Because that means growing, not growing up to get caught in a trap.

You see, all these, all these stories I heard about happy endings were just fantasy to me, but happy endings are not a final stage, but rather a switch. When you switch to who you want to be, where you want to go, surround yourself with people who are meant for you, that’s a happy ending, but without an end. It’s the ending of struggle, and fear, and toxicity. But it’s the beginning of growth. It’s that moment you start to see yourself and everything around you will follow: love, support, respect, compassion, safety. Because the true things, the ones we really need, are the most tough things you have to face. And if you feel that, you’re growing. And they will never fade away, no matter what.

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