I Knew You’d Come Dressed in a Sweater (The Inevitability of Feeling Bad)
by JoAnn Stevelos
Why does listening to and making music make us feel a wide range of emotions? When we are dispirited music uplifts us. When we are broken hearted, a song on repeat soothes our grief. When we feel like dancing, music compels us with a titanic force to move until we drop. Another big question is can music help prevent death by suicide and heal mental illness and addictions? That sounds like a big ask of music, but perhaps not. In 2019 the National Institutes of Health awarded $20 million over five years to support the Sound Health initiative, a cool research effort that explores the potential of music for treating symptoms of disorders such as Parkinson’s disease, stroke, chronic pain, addiction, mental health issues and much more.
The way our brains experience music can have both positive and negative effects on our mental health. Research shows the benefits of music for treating depression, trauma, and anxiety. And music can be a vehicle for clarifying complex experiences like trauma and grief. Some researchers are looking at chanting and its psychotherapeutic effects and how sound repetition calms the limbic system
The negative impact of music on mental health is when music is weaponized. George Pelletier in his article, The Sound of Violence: Music as a military weapon writes, “One of the most famous instances of musical weaponry being deployed occurred during the American occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan in the 2000s. Looping certain songs at absurdly high volumes, the U.S. Army would blast tracks until those under siege would eventually cave and surrender, a la “Apocalypse Now,” where in the film, helicopters blasted Wagner’s, “Ride of the Valkyries,” into the Vietnamese landscape. Reportedly, death metal band Deicide’s music, song titles unprintable here in a family newspaper, was played most often, but tracks like Metallica’s “Enter Sandman,” AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long,” Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid” and Alice Cooper’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” were also on the playlist. During the invasion plot to capture and/or assassinate Osama Bin Laden, Metallica’s Hetfield was vocal about his disapproval of the government’s use of his songs as psychological warfare.”
What is music’s effect on our brains? Music engages the neocortex part of our brains. The neocortex is our seat of consciousness. It controls our language and consciousness. The neocortex is also involved in higher functions like motor commands, sensory perception, conscious thought, and spatial reasoning. The neocortex builds connections between the different parts of our brains. One of the parts it builds connection with is our limbic system — it’s the part of the brain that’s responsible for behavioral and emotional responses. This is where we experience the feelings music evokes.
Back to the second question — can music help prevent death by suicide and heal mental illness and addictions? What if we don’t equate the three — mental illness, addictions and death by suicide? Perhaps there are reasons beyond mental illness and addictions that can also be considered. Could death by suicide be an impulsive act and ultimately not preventable? What if death by suicide is an attempt to stop pain — like the unrelenting pain of a broken heart, or the mysterious physical and mental afflictions caused by grieving the death of a beloved? What if death by suicide is caused by people not understanding that you can live with suicide ideation? Opening up conversations about suicide ideation as opposed to death by suicide could be the first step towards breaking the cycle of impulsive suicides or suicides to seek pain relief. Some of these feelings may be symptoms of not living well — we don’t ask ourselves or others — Am I living well? Is the way I am living supportive of my well-being?
During Suicide Prevention Month we hear about the statistics. In 2019, men over fifty accounted for 69.38% of deaths by suicide. We are encouraged to check on a friend. We are given hotline numbers to trained, comforting strangers waiting to hear our darkest thoughts. Instead, what if we asked how are we helping ourselves and others feel less lonely? What if the tasks suggested during Suicide Prevention Month included asking — how do we construct home and work environments that promote hope — help people fulfill their goals, pay them a fair and livable salary, help them feel part of the community, and give them time to express their artistry and spirituality? What if we asked our friends and families about things that give them pleasure — like when’s the last time you heard a great song? Or send me the recipe of the last best meal you cooked? Or let’s hop on the phone and talk about anything and everything?
Back to the power of making and listening to music. As a writer I’m keen to hear evocative lyrics set to a good melody. So singer songwriters top my playlists. As someone who has had the great privilege to be surrounded by excellent musicians and music producers, I have learned to appreciate the quality of an album created by careful production of sound mixing and its impact on your listening experience. Think of anything produced by Daniel Lanois or Beck, for example. I live in the Hudson Valley Corridor between Albany and New York City where hundreds of excellent musicians play at venues within an hour or two drive from my home. Also, my exposure to excellent music and musicians is part of my daily living as the partner to Todd Nelson who composes and works with many musicians in our home. I live with the healing qualities of music everyday. I feel the positive effects of having my neocortex engaged daily through music, the shift in my consciousness after listening to good music and the experience of hearing musicians create music. Over the past two years, I have listened to the songs of Marc Delgado evolve into a beautiful album, Wildwood Road, by hearing Todd learn the songs in his studio above my office. Sometimes over dinner we talk about the songs — about the craft of songwriting — about Marc’s authentic voice and his gift for pushing lyrics into a space where he seeks refuge in the solace of acceptance and repentance. Delgado beautifully commands an existential freedom in reciting poetry, spoken word all the while sanctioning the life he has known and the one he has now. The record holds a strong narrative of the harsh ironies of surviving a dark past that becomes a life you like, a sober life that allowed him to reimagine something better for himself. When the record was completed Marc shared a copy with me.
Wildwood Road was released during September Suicide Prevention Month. After reading the lyrics and listening to the entire record, even if it is wasn’t planned that way, it could have been. As I embarked on the vulnerable journey Delgado invites us to take with him, the sound of his grief and endurance coming from his rough and tumble baritone confirmed my initial feeling — that this may be a testament to living with addiction and suicide ideation. Delgado, was born in Fresno, California to a life full of fits and starts as he struggled with addiction and bouts of depression, all contributing to a restlessness and unhappiness until he met his wife Melanie, a painter. Together they began a new life and often hashtag their work #welikethislifebetterthanthelastone. I asked Delgado if I could interview him about his work and get a glimpse into how music impacted his recovery and his well-being.
JS: I guess the best place to start is with Mr. Sorrow. One of the things we know about making a deep and abiding effort in recovering from trauma, addiction, and depression is to learn to name and define your feelings. In Mr. Sorrow Strikes Again, are you actually personifying your addiction? Can you share more about the lyrics —
Can you be kind?
I’ll never be rid of the feelings
You always remind me of,
Your smile & your charm.
MD: Yes. I am personifying my addiction & my trouble. When I was younger & was already using drugs quite a bit & was, in fact, suicidal, I had recurring dreams in which a Half Man/Half Ram figure who wore pinstripes or was striped (it varied) would visit me in my dreams & show me things that actually ended up coming true in my life. & he would always say to me, “We are going to play a game called ‘Sorrow’” He became my constant companion. I spoke to him & would pretend/believe he was with me when I was really out there on the fringe. I would stay awake for days. This “ability” to have metaphysical experiences, which is a fancy way of saying I was hearing & seeing shit, locked me into this belief that there are other dimensions & realms available to us if we are interested in them. Demons. Ghosts. Good. Evil. As I started to get sober & write about that time…I began to question whether or not those experiences were real or just drug-induced. I came to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter if they were real… they were real to me. Mr Sorrow was a charming & convincing companion & I liked living like that. I enjoyed my depression & my suicidal thoughts. I liked it until I could no longer exist that way. I was dying & I was quite mad. I had to make a choice between living & dying. But as you know it takes years of therapy &, in my case, AA as well, to arrive @ any kind of sanity & ability to look @ those things clearly
JS: The idea that Mr. Sorrow was charming and that sometimes we become fond of our depression & our suicide ideation really hit me. He shows up dressed in a sweater! It goes against the annoying American mantra that we are supposed to be happy and have all good things happen to us all the time! The poison of positivity. Which, honestly, I am susceptible to at times — especially when I want to avoid putting the energy into dealing with complex feelings — which as you say can take years. Do you think we can normalize the spectrum of feelings we experience as humans? Do you find it hard to balance staying positive yet vigilant of the triggers that can bring Mr. Sorrow to your doorstep?
MD: “The Poison of Positivity!” Yes, it is a poison & it is, in my opinion, a falsehood. Who says we are supposed to be happy all the time!? People equate good things w “right” behavior, or… if I pray & do this & this in the correct order my life will be alright. It doesn’t work like that. If it did… we would be saying people deserve it when bad things happen to them. In my search for relief & healing I have visited countless doctors & therapists & specialists & been diagnosed as a “manic depressive” & “bipolar”, “suicidal” & certainly a hopeless “alcoholic” & “drug addict”. I didn’t know how to cope w the way my mind & body work… & yes, as a young man, I found it quite romantic to be troubled & suicidal. All my heroes died of suicide or overdose. That seemed to be the way to go. I really think “normalizing” as you say, these things is the key to living w them. Who says there is something wrong w me!? A doctor!? A person I hardly know!? I like sad music. I like things that make me feel deeply. I can’t help wonder about this mysterious life. I’ve come to like who I am. I am quite comfortable in my skin these days. All I have to do, like I’ve always done, is pick up a novel & start reading & I know I am not alone. To pretend that we are not operating from a place of loss & sadness is insane. That is crazy to me. I want to normalize death & loss & sadness & make it something beautiful. Who knows…? Maybe dying is the best part of living? I haven’t heard any reports back from the other side.
JS: In California there is the delusion of what California is selling and what it truly is like to live there. You offer the struggle of how clinging to glorifying the narrative of the Old West which is now awash with capitalism is a kind of wickedness. Did living with the duality of the promise of the sun and wealth with the reality of the life you were living contribute to your experience with addition?
MD: Yes absolutely. One of my favorite sayings now is: ‘No wonder I got high all the time!!” When you start to see the world for what it really is & how maddening it can be, how false it is & rife w advertising & consumerism & just bullshit…it can really get you down. I start to feel like I am all alone. I can’t see the true beauty of things because it is blocked by the chatter created to make me (us) feel less than or that there is something wrong with me (ourselves). It’s just not true. One of the things I learned in recovery is that there is absolutely nothing wrong w me. It took me years to figure that out. Where I grew up in Fresno…there was no semblance of any kind of American Dream. I grew up lower-middle class. The T.V. was always on. My parents best advice was, “Get a good, steady job so you can buy a house & have a family.” That stuff terrified me. My parents fought all the time. They seemed miserable. I hated working 8 hours a day. I didn’t like most of the people I knew. Having wealth & fame or success & happiness seemed like something for other people. It didn’t seem available to me. I had no idea how to be fulfilled or follow my dreams. I was just scared & unhappy w what I saw around me. When I found drugs & alcohol I found something I could really hang my hat on, so to speak. I felt free.
JS: “There is absolutely nothing wrong with me.” This should be the title of this article! Right-we are not broken — something to be fixed — we just are. Another theme in your music is that we are not our feelings — we are our actions. Which brings me to the point about the importance of naming and identifying feelings, especially feelings that can lead to suicide, to inform our actions rather than the other way around. What are some things you do or feelings you have that still leave you bewildered? Like for me, it’s the grieving process. I am always devastated by how the ways grief has affected my behavior. It takes me a long time to name grief and identify the feelings associated with it.
MD: I still get a little worried about how much I like to be alone. I have often been labeled weird or distant because I am just in my head about things. I have a very active sense of humour. I like offensive jokes & I am crude. I have learned to not speak. I used to say everything that popped into my head & it made me quite unpopular. Haha. When my mother died it leveled me. I never recovered from that loss. It sent me spiraling out of control. I sensed a futility to life & an unfairness that crushed me. She lived an unfulfilled life. She was extremely obese & she was a deeply unhappy person. I loved her very much & was quite the Mama’s Boy. However, not only was I unable to help her, I was unable to help myself. We were a lot alike my mother & I. She was sweet & caring & lived in her head & wanted everything to be alright & loved everyone very much & held our family together the best she could. But she was totally ineffective as a human. So was I. My father was rigid & unable to express his emotions. I say he lacked poetry…haha. I have quite a bit of that too. I seem to be this amalgamation of traits & hang-ups handed down from them. That blows my mind when I think about it. It helps too. I am able to contend w these things when I realize it has nothing to do w me…in other words, I am playing w the hand I was dealt, but I can get new cards too! I can become something else if I want to!! Performing & music & writing have done that for me. I get to be someone else when I am on stage, when I am writing a story or a song. That carries over in to my real life. I now know I can be afraid & do something anyway. That is what it means to act. It has helped me tremendously in my life. I am able to overcome & live w the things that use to control me. Instead of being angry @ my parents… I wanna make ’em proud, or fix what troubled them. I understand.
JS: In The Wild Dogs of the Central Valley a family yarn is unspooled and lay bare for the listener, as if it was a dream — that strangeness of fleeing and feeling paralyzed. I couldn’t help but think of James Agee’s Death in a Family or any book by Steinbeck. How has your love for literature and poetry smashed into your song writing? Do you think of them as separate disciplines? When you are reciting poetry in the middle of a song — is it Marc the poet that has shown up — or Marc the songwriter reciting a poem? Or is the poem — music? There is a lot of discussion about Dylan’s work — are his lyrics poetry or music? Does this feel familiar to you at all?
The song also speaks to living with collective trauma narratives and unsolved mysteries. Of bearing witness. The hypnotic nature of the song echos the feeling of yearning for resolution through the release of repressed thoughts. Can you speak to the idea that music can offer catharsis?
MD: I love this question!! I love that you picked this song to ask this question!! Literature & Poetry & Books & Words have been the most important thing to me all through my life. A close second or perhaps, equal, is Music. These things have worked in tandem to inspire me, move me & keep me tethered to a desire to live. I don’t think I have any choice in deciding how Literature finds it’s way in to a song or the reverse. I remember being in a creative non-fiction class & the professor telling me a passage felt wrong to her because she said the words sounded like song lyrics because I kept repeating them. I remember being very pleased w that criticism. Haha. I don’t think she meant it to be flattering. I think she meant for me to take the words out or change them. Not only did I leave them in… I also used them in a song!! I do think of these things as separate disciplines I suppose… but I also don’t really believe in rules too much. A great Novel can take many forms. The same goes for a great Poem or Song. I think of myself as a writer & a musician but maybe even more than anything as a performer. When I step forward to do a poem or a spoken-word piece, to me, it is a bit of Theatre. I want to become something interesting onstage & that speaks to the cathartic element of Music & Words & Art. I get to become something else or maybe exactly who I have always wanted to be!? I don’t know!? I often joke from the stage that screaming into a microphone has saved me thousands of dollars in therapy, but I think I am deadly serious. When I started performing while I was trying to get sober…it replaced the drugs & the desire to get high… I felt free.
JS: Okay, time for an easy question here — or maybe not so — what is your favorite genre of literature and what is the last book you read?
MD: I love novels!! Any kind. Lately, I really love Science Fiction!! Detective Novels!! I guess you could say my favourite genre is , I dunno it sounds so silly saying it, but serious novels. Melanie & I always say we like stories where nothing happens! haha. I just finished (again) Jonathan Lethem’s The Fortress of Solitude & Denis Johnson’s posthumous book of short stories (again!!) The Largesse of the Sea Maiden. I am currently reading Oscar Hijuelos’s The Mambo Kings Play Songs of Love. It’s great!! I can’t believe I have never read it. My first & true love though, is Poetry. I am fascinated by it w out ever really completely understanding it. It contains all the mystery & beauty of Life. I remember being in a classroom & reading Phil Levine & just being knocked out. The instructor asked me what it was I liked about it & I responded w the completely un-academic response: I like the way it sounds. There is a freedom & artistry to Poetry that defies normalcy or the mundane. It seems to be operating in a way that says: “Isn’t this a terrible & beautiful place!?”
JS: Fear of abandonment is a theme that really resonated with me in Souls Repeating. The nuance captured beautifully in the lines When I wave goodbye…I hope that you will be there, When I come back home. Here we are. Lucky that we came this far. Another thought I had about this song was that often people who are perseverant, dedicated, and just plain stubborn often see themselves as lucky. It seemed like you worked really hard to avoid any explicit sentimentality throughout Wildwood Road, but in this last song, you enter the terrain ever so gently. Can you speak to why you chose to end the album this way?
MD: Well… it’s funny I find myself wanting to say about every song you have asked me about: This song is very dear & special to me! Haha. I knew I wanted to end the album on a tender note. It is important to me that there are moments of vulnerability & risk. I wanted to speak to the incredibly transformative power of Love & Commitment. Things I never believed in or cared about. I thought Love was a farce & Commitment was not in my repertoire. The title: Souls Repeating speaks to this idea of people playing out patterns of family trauma. I used to feel like I was inhabited by ghosts of ancestors. I would do things & not know why. I still do. I have a really bad temper like my father. I can be quite distant & mean. I drank whiskey just like my grandfather. Sometimes I will say something & I am convinced it is my father speaking!! This song is about healing wounds & problems that seem to get handed down to us from our parents & their parents. If the lyrics seem very simple & child-like it is because my Daughter Mary Scout wrote the first verse. She walked in on me while I was working on the song & just started singing: When I use my eyes, I can see the sunrise. She was 4. I thought Thats it! Justin Tracy (The producer of the record & co-writer) & I continued on in that fashion. & he really helped me w “just saying it” as opposed to trying to be a literary giant. Sometimes it’s best just to say it. This record is ultimately about Love. Change & Choices. Possibilities. As far as Luck vs. Dedication or Perseverance or Stubbornness….Your guess is as good as mine. I do feel lucky though. So many people I know/knew…their lives are ruined by drugs & alcohol & depression. Some are dead. Why them & not me? I certainly don’t think, as some do, that it is some divine intervention. I do, however, feel compelled to make the most out of what life I have left.
JS: Is the Cautionary Tale of Richard Manuel about life on the road as a performer? I felt like the vibe in the song is that the protagonist feels vulnerable in an inadvertently hostile environment. If so, what kinds of things do you do when on tour to help you stay focused on the life you have now?
MD: I guess the song is about that in a way, because the rigors of the road & the lifestyle seem to be what did Richard Manuel in. I’m trying to assume his voice. & what you just described is Life isn’t it? “Vulnerable protagonist in an inadvertently hostile environment” Well said! I think I was speaking more (because I’m a broken record!) to what I just mentioned. This thing: Addiction. It kills a ton of people. Destroys their lives so completely & so absolutely & we just don’t even know why & we continue on in that way when we know it is killing us. I remember those closest to me begging me to quit & they would say, why do you do this? & the best I could come up w was I don’t know!? Not a great answer. In the song the refrain is: I can’t explain what comes over me. I remember telling my eldest sister that I wanted to die living the way I was living! That I wanted to ride it all the way to the end. What a thing to say to someone who loves you!! How sad!! So we come back to Luck or Will. Which is it? A little of both…? I don’t know! Why, after years of abuse & insanity & madness was I able to change & survive & others don’t!? Richard Manuel was a beautiful musician. One of my favourites. I wish he could have got sober. He would’ve made some wonderful music. The second part of your question is interesting to me, because what I do on the road is so important to me. I used to spend all of my time in Motels & driving around & that is exactly how I am constantly trying to arrange my life now. There is something about the Nomadic aspect & being alone that I just love. I liked it before because I could be as strange as I wanted to be without anyone seeing…Now I take great pride in the fact that I am the same alone as when I am w others. I used to have two or three personalities…now I just have the one! I’m very proud of that transformation.
JS: I have had a lot of discussion with people about whether creativity is fueled by abusive childhoods, depression, alcohol, drugs etc.… People all over the world create beautiful art completely sober. Why do you think this idea persists? You have been on both sides of it now — any insight? For me, I’m most creative when I’m grieving. Helene Cixous has a quote I often cite in my writing, “To begin (writing/living) we must have death.” Not to get too existential, but the idea that you have one personality now, where did the other two go? Or is it that living in your truth “I want to live where you can me find me” has merged them all?
MD: Kurt Vonnegut was underground during the bombing of Dresden. He wrote about it continually all through his life. He couldn’t stop writing about it. Primo Levi & Elie Wiesel wrote about the Holocaust. Annie Dillard writes about Bugs & Nature. Phil Levine wrote about Work & Family. Larry Levis wrote about living in The Valley & his Father & Death. It’s not all they write about, but it is central to their work. I can’t stop writing about Addiction & Ghosts & Demons. Denis Johnson wrote about addiction better than anybody, but he got sober & wrote all kinds of beautiful things. It doesn’t matter what informs us. I am almost a little embarrassed about how much I talk about it. It gets old & it is a bit of a cliche. I think the whole tragic artist thing is a drag & unnecessary. Imagine how much more great music we would have if Richard Manuel (& countless others!!) stayed alive & took care of himself & devoted himself to his craft!! I think the idea persists because it is romantic. People who obsess over things & try to live outside of the rigidity & madness of society lose their way & they think drugs & alcohol are a way out, but ultimately it is just another prison. What they/we/I are looking for is Truth & ultimately, Freedom… I think! Look @ all the crazy Mathematicians!! Is that just a coincidence!!? To pretend it doesn’t exist is silly. But it only works for a time until the person crashes & burns & the work is no longer the focus. I have many aspects to my personality & they are all in there swirling around & I am constantly adding new bits to it. But all that stuff is an asset now instead of a hindrance or an enemy. The minute I walked into an AA meeting & decided I was going to stop using I began to heal. It didn’t feel like it then, but it’s true. The thing that was killing me became my strongest asset. In other words, the minute I started showing up & sharing my story I began to help myself & in doing so, I began to help others!. & that’s it isn’t it? Our story when examined & retold has an authenticity and a power.
JS: Mary the Interstate is a standout song on the album. The expression of wonderment at a newfound path towards an acceptance of all that life offers us. It made me think of how during recovery from addictions we sometimes just crash into the awe that life is. It’s like — why did I ever not want to experience this very thing I am experiencing — and how do I fully appreciate every moment. Sometimes sobriety is perceived as a newfound appreciation of ordinariness and it can often refine shape the compositions of families. How does your marriage to Melanie Delgado and the birth of your daughter contribute to your well-being and your commitment to sobriety?
MD: Oh man! You nailed it! Yes! Life is a trip! I love it! Being alive is such a strange thing. How? Why!? It starts & it stops & we don’t know what comes before if anything & what comes after if anything!!? I believe meeting Melanie was the real turning point in my life. I don’t think I could have stayed sober without her presence. The timing of it. Our personalities & what we had both been through. She reminds me of my mother. I remind her of her father! We just clicked right away. We loved each other immediately. I can see that now. I didn’t know it then. Melanie inspires me to be a better person. I was not someone who honoured anyone or anything. I always had a secret life. Now, in sobriety, I am committed to her. I tell her the truth. We trust each other. We have an arrangement: To make sure we encourage & support the other person to be fulfilled. We owe it to each other to live out our desires & dreams. You say in your article, & I’m paraphrasing, maybe the real question is: Are You Living Well?. Are we getting enough rest? Are we being paid what we deserve? Are we cooking yummy food? Are we getting enough rest? I love that you said that. You are the first person to really articulate that for me. For Melanie & I. I feel like together we live an alternative lifestyle. We, from the beginning, said we would marry & live together if we examined our life & treated it w the respect it deserves & quit fucking wasting time!! Do what we want to do!! Melanie is a painter. I’m a writer & a musician. That’s it. We are dedicated to it. The same goes for our daughter Mary Scout. We are going to raise her the way we feel we wanted to be raised but didn’t get the chance. Instill confidence. A healthy curiosity. Enthusiasm for life. Not afraid to be different or weird. My whole life & my existence is wrapped up in them. It is the main thrust of everything for me. All my ambition & happiness & desire comes from my life w them. I used to be all alone & insane & now, as long as I tell the truth & stay sober I get to have this amazing life!
JS: In Fugue the lyrics I’m here to stay. I see you clearly. It’s what I do now, not what I say are a true testament to the power of love, the power of understanding how our actions have more power than our words. Often people who had addictions find the hardest hurdle in healing relationships is to be believed. To fully gain people’s trust and respect. Sometimes the pressure to always be perfect takes its toll. We need forgiveness too. How do you experience forgiveness in your life?
MD: Yea… I wrote this song for Melanie. Justin Tracy had a heavy hand in this one, because again, he encouraged me to just say it… no metaphor or symbolism, you know!? I showed him the original song & he just tore it apart & we started over from the ground up. Its interesting because it just goes to show you that I needed his help too!! I need a lot of help in living life & I am surrounded by people I trust & who inspire & challenge me. I experience forgiveness directly in how I live now. The people I know. My chance to make up for who I have been. My actions are a living amends… I remember telling the man who really helped me get sober (my sponsor) “how can I going around making amends to people!? It seems so trite. Nobody is going to believe me!! I have said sorry a thousand times before & I always go back to the way I was. What difference does it make what I say!!?” & he told me… “the difference this time is you are going to do what you say. It’s called a living amends.” That floored me. It seems so simple. Do what you say. Don’t lie. Get outta your head. Act!! I have tried to do that ever since. & it works!! I call AA the Quit fucking lying & stop getting high program. It is amazing what happens in your life when you do those two seemingly simple things!! I forgive myself by doing right by the people I love & I extend the forgiveness given to me to others. Easier said than done of course…but it’s in there, behind the scenes.
JS: We have high rates of suicide in men over fifty. In 2019 males accounted for 69.38% of suicide deaths in 2019. Many men are fearful of each other, or competitive with each other and really don’t have deep conversations with each other. One of the things I admire about you and Wildwood Road is the courage it takes to be vulnerable in our hyper masculine culture. How have you learned to nurture the connection you have with other men in your life?
MD: The thing I try to do most is be myself. I am a touchy/feely person. I want to tell people I love them. Because I do! I like to laugh. I like to joke around. I love to have conversation. I’m genuinely attracted to people who have things I don’t have or I admire or are funny or calm. Sometimes I can see or feel light or energy radiating from a person! Is that real!!? It’s real to me. I’m also a very competitive person w a massive chip on my shoulder & a huge ego!! I think some of that is good. But it can be debilitating. That developed over time. Fear & insecurity cultivated that. When I was a little boy, I cried a lot. I just wanted to be w my Mom. I was crushed by how mean kids were @ school. I was scared. I couldn’t fight. I liked to read. I liked sports. I wasn’t just one way… I remember being in a Poetry workshop & this guy told me: You don’t belong here, you look like you should be on the baseball team. I remember being in Motel Rooms getting high & I would always hear: What are you doing here man? You don’t belong here! For the longest time I was confused by my sexuality. All of this is to say, I didn’t know who I was. I was afraid to be myself. I grew up in a household of Women. My mother & two older sisters. I had a domineering, masculine father. I have always leaned to the feminine side of my personality, but I do kinda look like a baseball player! Haha. I have very male features I suppose. I realize this is all a bunch of bullshit while I’m saying it & that is the point isn’t it? It’s bullshit. We have created it & spend so much time discussing it & getting tripped up by it. It’s sad really. One more societal construct to make us feel like we are broken. I don’t worry about it anymore. I tell my male friends all the time: I love you. I tell my female friends too!! Everyone that is in my life that matters. & there are lot of people in my life today. My family & my friends. It is a rich life. It’s not lost on me how precious & fleeting it is. I wanna dig in & experience it. I wanna see what happens.
