On the Cusp of Growth…at 58
“A point or pointed end…and a point that marks the beginning of a change.” Yep, that about sums it up.
Retirement at 58, with a pension — people might be envious. Some might be downright hostile. My friends often say “I’m jealous” but wish me the best on the threshold of…what, really?
Hadn’t planned on retiring for a few more years, but a combination of a work that did not work anymore, and my mom’s ill health helped tipped the scale toward a “threshold” decision…a moment where I got to start a “new state or experience.”
A new state indeed.
No plans…just step into being a full-time Caregiver. I used to, laughingly (funny how things are so much clearer now), call myself my mom’s full-time Caregiver while I was working, but a few short days into my retirement showed me the folly of that job description. Now, some 8 months (actually 8 months, 29 days, 3 hrs.) later I find that change is present everywhere.
Routine. To grow to like, nay even love, it has been a slow, steady dawning of appreciation, of thankfulness, of peace. As a Caregiver for my mom, I have found my routine in hers — finally. And, surprise! It brings us both comfort, and a calm steadiness to the day.
Cooking! Me? Albeit, this is the cuisine of my growing-up years — so nothing fancy here. But I found that stretching myself in the kitchen to make something my mom remembered from her youth (when she and her family struggled in Paradise) was worth every minute of the concern. That smile lit up my heart.
The biggest change, however, is the depth of love that I have discovered for my mom.
Blame, shame, all the things of my 13-year old youth have faded into the background of my life “before retirement” and left me nothing but an abyssmal love…a deep place in the “body” of love…a love that is far from the outside or SURFACE of love that I had known for her before this moment. It brings with it joy, laughter, and a gnawing fear that rises to the surface every morning when I wake her up with a quiet “good morning.”
Some say my new demeanor, calmer outlook, ready laugh “ must be retirement.” I say, no. It is the change that comes when you MUST look beyond yourself. Retired, at 58 — on the cusp of discovery of the true meaning of love. I’m all in.