Sometimes, the pain is unbearable. You think that your heart may actually get ripped out of your chest cavity and ripped to shreds. This is a very real possibility. In fact, it feels like it’s happening right now.
Is it possible that that person is living a happy, fulfilled life? But how can they? When they destroyed yours?! How do they sleep at night?
Most days you wake up and carry this burden but you smile. “Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it’s breaking” as the song says. But every once in a while, the dam breaks. How has it held on so long? How has this pain not flooded every fibre of your being constantly?! Seems impossible.
The panic sets in. You feel the tears gathering and you try to breathe but there is no air. Where has it gone?! Wasn’t it here just a second ago?! Memories flood with each gasp. You’re drowning! Drowning in a sea of memories and you’re all alone. Not an island, person, or floating coconut in sight. Dear God, please make it.
Another wave washes over you and it may actually take you down with it. The coping skills for the panic situations are failing. It’s time to just let it be. Breathe and hope and pray.
Nothing can stop the pain. Time makes the seconds between longer and sometimes, you even forget. But then you see a picture, a street sign, you have a conversation that is just such a rush of memories. You can’t stop it.
You just have to dive down deeper, under the wave trying to take you down, and hope you come out the other side.