After reading a few paragraphs of your life, I knew immediately what was the matter. You needed a good psychiatrist as a child, but I’ve found it take years to find a “good,” one as most are disturbed themselves. I never cried much at all when as a child, only when left for the third time by a husband, did I have a couple of crying fits that will take you down to the ground! Since then I cannot form any real close relationship with any man.
If I had found out I had ADD (there are seventeen different kinds at least) from this great psychiatrist, who knew his own weaknesses and could spot ours, I would have had a different life. I went from school to school and my father away in the military and my wonderful mother was neurotic. I never knew if she was going to tell me I’m OK or slap me for the same thing. But, I must say I idolized her as she was a “sparkler,” and dad a sort of “Puritan.”
My good psychiatrist said that’s why my parents got together, they attracted each other to their differences…gave me a soft of up and down personality.
I learned in high school (observation) how to “act” the part, then you become the part. I went from being the new nerd and the next year becoming homecoming queen. Just dress the way they do, walk the right way (took practice) get the long hair just right, and makeup, do not say much. smile and the right wave to all, and my friend helped me with advertisements (she became a psychiatrist) We did it as a “test” to see how much “image” made it happen, and it does.
In my early years of college I trusted too much, horrible things happened I can’t talk about but it ruined my then perfect life. I had to take anti-depressants and go to therapy. One therapy was horrible and other one was good. I’ve attended 12-step programs (husband an alcoholic) then did it for myself in Emotions Anonymous. Funny thing, in the last group I found out who was having an affair with my husband. We speak the truth in those sessions, and do not tell, (I just found the last name of a person there who wasn’t in the meeting) it helps get a grip on the “real” world, and how we can share mutual problems. Also, the right prayer group helps (but some places there make you feel too guilty). I hope anyone reading this will find the right help. Interview the person who is going to be in charge of your treatments!
I never let a bully get to me, I was quiet, and again, observed, became what they wanted, and got in the popular group. There are ways to ignore and manipulate bullies…I hope you ignore them. Take a lesson from Hillary (ha).