How Do They Say Goodbye?

I lost my mom eight years ago. She had moved to another state and at first my sister and I weren’t even aware of how sick she was. It took us three days to locate her in a hospital. She kept in touch with us by phone but had moved to get away from family….pain…running from a past she couldn’t change. I went to see her a few times but it was hard with four kids and my husband and I both with full time jobs.
We talked with each other all the time either by phone or Yahoo messenger. I always kept messenger open just in case she was sending a message. She wasn’t computer savvy (She thought LOL mean lots of love…so sweet) and I didn’t want her to ever think I was ignoring her. We talked on the phone multiple times a day usually about nothing in particular. I loved those conversations though. I missed having her close but I understood why she moved. My sister and I tried for years to get her to move back home but she was adamant that she was where she wanted to be. It was only after she passed that we realized how many health problems she had. She wouldn’t tell any one person everything and instead told each of us bits and pieces. She made sure my sister and I had the same information but with the rest of the family communication lost, she knew we wouldn’t find out everything and force her to move back. I don’t doubt that other family members would have moved to do the same if they had known how sick she was.
My world began to fall apart when she went two days without calling. My sister and I knew something was wrong. It took us another day to locate her in a hospital in Intensive Care. We went to her immediately. She had asked that the hospital not call us so we wouldn’t worry. I don’t know, even now, if she knew how close to death she was. We sure as hell didn’t.
When we got there we found out that she had been sick for three days. Unable to stand up or move from the couch she had talked to each us and didn’t tell us that she couldn’t move. When we asked her why she just said she thought it would pass. A friend of hers stopped by and saw the condition she was in and called 911. Seeing her there in the hospital she was so weak and frail. And scared. She had bruising all over her arms. The nurses and doctor kept making it seem like she was ok and just needed to get up and move around. We knew better though. She made us promise not to leave her there so we made the decision to take her home and put her in a hospital there. We could wait for ambulance transportation or take her ourselves. We decided not to wait and had her back home in a hospital within an hour. She needed emergency surgery on a huge cyst that had ruptured on her leg and was facing liver failure but we were never led to believe that she was only a few weeks from death.
She was happy to be home and was even happy to see family. But we couldn’t figure out why she would seem fine one day and out of it the next…unable to speak, didn’t know who people were…it was scary. The doctor explained that her liver was in terrible condition. At the time I didn’t know that your liver filtered ammonia from your system and that if those levels go up you will suffer brain damage. She was given medicine to help her liver with the filtering process but would need a new one when she turned the corner. What we weren’t prepared for was the systemic staph infection that would ultimately be her downfall. This was the cause of all the bruising.
No one prepared us for what was coming. My sister was nearly full term with her daughter and wanted to know if her doctor should induce so our Mom would be alive when the baby came. I’ll never forget the words from the doctor… “If you are asking me is you mom actively dying the answer is no.” So my sister waited. We thought she would be ok. Maybe not 100 percent, but ok….alive. We talked about who she would live with and whether we would need to move to accommodate her . Two days later I got the call that her blood pressure had plummeted and she could no longer control it herself. She was being kept stable on medication and her other organs were beginning to fail. Essentially she was being kept alive by machines and medication. My sister and I rushed to the hospital….we called the family. We knew what had to be done….Mama never wanted to be kept alive like that. They moved her to hospice and pulled all the medications and only kept her on the heart monitor. We kept vigil and waited. My sister went into labor and didn’t think she would be able to see Mom again as she was admitted a few floors up on the labor and delivery unit. After a few hours they let her come down. She was in pain but wanted Mama to know that she was ok. The baby was ok. She told Mom that she understood and that Mama didn’t have to keep holding on. Within a few moments Mama sat up, looked to the ceiling and let go of her last breath. My niece would be born a few hours later. Bittersweet.
My world fell apart. And I can’t seem to get it back together. I miss her daily. I cry when I talk about her….when I think about her for too long. I can’t listen to the song I sang to her through the night while staying with her in the hospital. People told me it would get easier….it hasn’t. People told me that I would be able to look back on good memories and smile….I can’t. Some people say I should be past it by now….I’m not. I had two more children after she passed and it kills me that she didn’t get to see them. I need to ask her for advice…I need to hear her say that things will be ok….I need her to tell me to stop being a big baby and get my shit together. I need to understand how everyone else gets back to ok. Cause I can’t find that place anymore.
My cousin recently lost her Dad and she is struggling. People keep telling her it will be ok….she will be fine. I don’t. I tell her how it is for me….that it feels like it will never be ok again. She said “People keep saying time heals all wounds…” I can’t even begin to guess how much time it must take if that’s the case. She said “People said the pain won’t go away but it will move to the back of your mind…” No, it stays right in the middle of your mind and you just learn to function around it. I felt like I wasn’t being supportive. Like I was saying it’s ok to stay depressed about this. And then she said “Thank you…I needed to hear that someone else understands and that I’m not crazy for still being so sad about losing my Dad.” You’re not….and I’m not. And neither is anyone else who stills feels so deeply about loss. I don’t know how to get back to normal. Maybe you don’t. Or maybe you find a new normal. I’m not sure. Maybe someday I’ll figure it all out. Maybe.