When People are Hard to Love

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
___Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Some people are hard to love. Maybe it’s a teenager who you love deeply, but it’s hard to like her when she’s spewing drama. I remember telling my daughter, “I love you, but I hate the way you’re acting right now,” and “Please lower your volume. I can’t hear you when you’re yelling.”
It’s even harder to love the haters, the racists, the ones who intentionally do harm. But Matthew 5:44 says to love your enemies and to pray for those who persecute you. Now, I know I’m not persecuted. Not really. But it’s still hard to love the haters. I can pray for them, but love them? How do I do that?
Can I say, I love you as part of humanity, because you are created by God. Can I ask, Could we try to listen to each other with respect?
I have no way of knowing if that would work. And to be honest, I’m not too keen on putting myself in situations where hate is strong. I’d much rather avoid conflict altogether, though sometimes I’ve pushed past the fear.
My heart goes out to the family of Heather Heyer who was killed when she stood against hate in Charlottesville, Virginia. They had no way of knowing her life would be cut short by an act of violence. It’s hard to know when and how to make a stand — when to push past the fear and when to love people from a distance.

In Trust the Timing, I considered it a victory when I finally learned I could just walk away from toxic relationships that would have killed me slowly if I had stayed in them.
But I don’t want to walk away from my country. I love my country in spite of it’s flaws and with all our different kinds of people. But I have to admit, I find myself fearing the actions and beliefs of some of those people.

The Southern Poverty Law Center recommends in this article that if hate groups plan to demonstrate on a campus (or in a city) to ignore them and ask administrators to denounce them. We need to realize that facing hate head on might give haters the distraction they crave to keep from looking at some turmoil stewing inside themselves. I believe that deep down, haters are using anger to cover up hurt and fear. That’s no excuse. That doesn’t mean we accept the behavior. But perhaps this could bring us closer to the love the Bible talks about in Matthew.

“Grief unprocessed becomes bitterness, resentment, and unharnessed fury. Grief processed becomes an unstoppable force of compassion, empathy, and love. __Allison Fallon

I have no plans to go into places where hate is strong.

But sometimes hate crops up unexpectedly.

I want to be ready with love if hate crosses my path.

I want to avoid posting negative comments on social media.

I want to hold up positive stories of people doing good work.

I want to say less about what I’m against,
and more about what I stand for.

I want to remember that peace begins with me.

I want to recognize any seeds of hate that might hide away in the deep corners of my mind — the lingering resentments from old hurts.

I want to forgive myself and others, to bring the hurts to the light, open them up and see if I can love the hate away and heal the fear and sadness underneath. I can’t do this by myself. But with God’s help, maybe I can let love grow so big that it takes up all the space and seeps into the dark places.

What if that could happen in our country? In our world?

We can start by finding the gardens of love within ourselves and letting that love grow. Water the love. Nurture it. Give it light.