When you don’t want to die, but don’t want to be alive either
Life sucks right now. I don’t know what to do, I don’t find the answers that I need and I don’t really have the hope that things will get better in the future, so recently I found myself trapped in this hole: I don’t want to die, but don’t want to live either.
Not that I have big real-life problems. Looking from the outside, I’m doing pretty okay. The problem is: I am not. I can’t shut down my mind and just chill, so I am constantly running away from things I can’t fix, always wanting to get high, to be with anyone who can show me a good time and distract me from my issues, always trying to escape from myself.
This is the place I am right now: I am my worst company.
Not that I don’t have friends. There are great people that I love around me. But I am a really lonely person having a hard time to deal with my reality, so when I’m alone my mind keep saying mean things to me, and this is the thing that is slowly killing myself. And I don’t know how to fix it on my own. I just want life to stop.
The thing is: I do not want to die. At the same time I feel I’m not ready for the future and it scares me, I’m about to turn 21 and have so much ahead of me. I have plans, I have dreams, I have lots of things that I want to do. Shit, I have never left the country. I want to build a family, maybe make some music one day. I know that I have to turn things around.
Even thought I’m frightened, I want to be here to see what happens next. And I will be.
