The cost of it all

Today was a really tough day.
It had started with several text messages and I, bordering on tears and considering if there was any value in what I was doing, hadn’t even left the house for work yet.
After spending the previous day being screamed at and verbally abused, “you f….. liar, you don't care, don’t talk to me like a f……. dog,”… you get the idea, I found myself needing a stiff drink and feeling quite exhausted after a few hours of adrenalin surges and the consequent coming down fatigue.
I had kept my calm, I wasn't angry, I wasn’t hurt by the words, but I was frustrated. To try and help someone when they clearly don’t want it is exhausting and quite demoralising. They may verbalise that they want the truth and help to move forward, but when are show the cost, it’s just too much for them. Admitting that you are not OK is hard for anyone, especially hormonal, hurt and neglected teenagers. I’m sure there are many people in this line of work who often wonder “what’s the point.” Counsellors — you have my admiration and awe.
The disappointment in them making choices that are clearly not in their best interests and would ultimately keep them in the viscious circle that they had found themselves in. The sadness of pouring so much time and energy in securing opportunities for their benefit , only for them to decide that they didn’t want to get out of bed to take hold of them. The pointlessness of spending hours preparing a powerful and desperately needed lesson on moving forward and mentally stepping out of the prison ( with thanks to Nelson Mandela) only to deliver the thought provoking presentation to a party of two. All of these emotions combine to create a question — do they even realise how much I care for them?
Today, the thought came to me.
There is a father in heaven who sees us and possibly feels the same way watching our poor decision making, observing our laziness and feeling intense grief at all that he has sacrificed in order to give us life. And possibly asks the same question.
Do they even realise how much I care for them?
Lesson learnt.
So tonight, I will reflect, refuel and refocus knowing that helping the one is all I’m called to do — and today I was hitting above the mark with two :)
