So I figured I’d just skip the middle man and just post here from now on. It’s not like I’m trying to keep it a secret anymore. You can read it, or feel free to scroll on by.
Anyway, I’m very restless today. I’m trying to stay busy, but nothing seems to be holding my attention for very long. It’s not a bad day, but I’m not sure it’s a good day either. I keep looking down at my scabs and scars wondering what it all means. Someone recently called me a coward. Am I a coward? Maybe. But at least I’m not a hypocrite. I accept every scab and scar and I’m not trying to lay the blame on ANYONE for any of them. For whatever reason I earned them, and some days it’s proof that I CAN survive. Other days it’s proof that I am human, weak and prone to feel too much. Either way, I have never once said “Look what you’ve done to me” or “See what you’ve made me do?” I’m the only one in my head fighting my demons and my darkness, no one else. I do it alone. And no, please don’t think I’m saying I’m all alone. I know I’m not! I do have a great support system, when I use my better judgement and reach out. All I’m saying is that I live here in Wonderland and there is no White Rabbit here to guide me out. I alone face the night terrors that plague me almost every night. I close my eyes, hold out my hand and wait to see which of my demons reach for me. I lay in bed every morning and even before I open my eyes I have to do a mental checklist to see if I’m actually awake this time, and then take a chance opening my eyes to see if this time is reality or yet another twisted version. I fight my thoughts every step of the way, every day. So when I get tired, really mentally and emotionally tired, yes closing my eyes and letting it all float away forever sometimes seems like a solution. Not a great one, but one none the less. If that makes me a coward, then I’m a coward. I’ll wear the title along side all the others. But, until you have spent one night in my head, NO ONE has the right to call me a coward! The things I see in my dreams would make Stephen King cry. What I do every day to survive would take the strongest person down to their knees and make them pray to god for peace and sleep. So call me a coward, but understand that I’m still here. Fighting the good fight. Some days I win, Some days the monsters do. It’s a give and take.