OK, so maybe you’re not a coffee drinker. Have you considered therapy? If a joke that small can send you into such a deranged state that you have to compose multiple paragraphs of poorly formed ranting it may be a good idea. It doesn’t take 900 words to say “I’m an angry liberal fascist who can’t tolerate the fact that other people can think for themselves.”
I look forward to counting the paragraphs of your next response.