Trump Announces First Term Supreme Court Nominee

Mar-a-Lago, Palm Beach, Florida

By: Joe Boyd

March 2, 2016 — Emboldened by his impressive Super Tuesday victory, Donald Trump made a surprising announcement this morning regarding his own plans for nominating a replacement for deceased justice Antonin Scalia. Standing before an adoring audience at his palatial home in Florida, Mr. Trump announced, “When I am elected President, even before the first Mexican brick goes into the border wall, I intend to nominate Dwayne Elizondro Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho to replace my very good friend Nino Scalia. I expect a rapid confirmation of Herbie’s nomination. Like me, Herbie knows all the best words. He will make America great again and he will be really, really good.” When questioned about Mr. Camacho’s lack of experience as a jurist Mr. Trump angrily retorted, “When you are a professional wrestler, you have to be judge and jury every time you get into the ring. Trust me folding chairs are much more challenging than lawsuits! I know about lawsuits and wrestling and Herbie is a very fine wrestler. Next question!”

Political pundits and legal experts have noted that, much like Mr. Trump,

Mr. Camacho at a recent Trump Rally in South Carolina

Camacho’s policy statements and political positions are narcissistic, self-promoting and content free. When asked about Camacho’s troubling lack of policy detail, consistency and coherence, Mr. Trump said, “The American people are tired of political correctness and consistent policy. They want leaders who know all the best people and can make America great again! Herbie knows all the best people and he is a very, very good guy!”

Democrats have expressed outrage that this move by Mr. Trump conveniently eliminates the candidate that they have been carefully grooming to defeat Trump in 2020. When questioned about this concern, Mr. Trump smiled and uncharacteristically said that he had no comment.