An Open Letter to My Totally Real Girlfriend

A picture of my totally real girlfriend eating a salad.

Dear Girlfriend,

Happy Valentine’s Day! I’m so happy you’re my girlfriend. You are so pretty and nice. But if I had to pick one thing that I love most about you, it’s the fact that you are 100% completely real and not at all made up. After all, how could I ever make up someone like you? Your complex personality and nuanced backstory could never in a million years have originated from my limited imagination. That’s for darn sure! I could never have made up the fact that you’re a brilliant philanthropist who’s traveled the world helping to cure thousands of orphaned children of various diseases while also modeling for swimsuit catalogs in your spare time. Why would I ever even try to make something like that up? It sounds too good to be true, but it’s an undeniably accurate description of what you do for a living. Oh, girlfriend, you never cease to amaze me!

Thank you so much for being willing to have me as your boyfriend and do fun things with me, like posing for pictures while eating a salad. That’s one of my favorite things that we’ve totally done together. I love how cute you look while you chow down on the salad with your actual mouth and teeth. Honestly, having verifiable photographic proof of you means the world to me.

I’m looking forward to seeing you next weekend at the luncheon that the Nobel Foundation is holding in your honor. Until then, please accept the bouquet of three dozen roses and the year’s supply of chocolates that I totally sent you as tokens of my appreciation for you being so very real. You’re the best!

Your boyfriend,


Originally published at