Remember that One Time Dan Became an Eskimo for a Few Days?

Hey, remember that one time Dan became an Eskimo for a few days? That was crazy, right? I mean literally crazy, right? I mean the fact that we both remember it right now is crazy, right? We shouldn’t remember that, right?

Come on, buddy, give me something. Say it’s going to be all right. Because right now I’m not sure it’s going to be all right, because I legitimately remember a time when our friend Dan–you know, the tall one with the glasses, dating Jen, you know, that Dan–when that Dan became an Eskimo for just under a week and no one acknowledged it.

We all just went on about our business while this Eskimo followed us around everywhere claiming to be Dan and saying all of the things that Dan would always say, and we were all too embarrassed to point out the fact that Dan now looked like an Eskimo for no apparent reason. I mean, how do you bring that up in conversation? Do you just come right out and say, “Dan, you look like an Eskimo. What gives?”

Well, in hindsight, I guess that’s exactly what one of us could have said, but none of us did say it. Instead, we all just sat around at the bar like a bunch of wimps, waiting in hopeful anticipation for our good buddy Dan the Eskimo to address the elephant in the room himself.

BUT HE DIDN’T. And it’s ate at me to this very day.

Can you believe that Eskimo Dan was the best man at Brad’s wedding that week? He didn’t even wear a tux; just that same parka he’d been wearing all week. And when the priest asked him if he had the ring and he pulled a bunch of whale blubber out of his pocket instead, and still no one batted an eye. That was balls to the wall crazy, right? I mean, like institutional level crazy? No one even laughed to break the tension. There was just dead silence as he continued to remove the whale blubber from his pockets like a clown removing a chain of colored handkerchiefs from his sleeve.

Balls. To. The. Wall.

Oh and that time we went over to Eskimo Dan’s apartment and it was filled with ice like some sort of igloo. And we almost froze to death because none of us had parkas like Eskimo Dan. And he didn’t even offer any of us coats, but none of us complained. And we all lost to him at poker because none of us could focus on our cards because we were all shivering too much. Dan made out like a bandit that night! Didn’t you think that was weird, huh? Didn’t you want to say something? Because I sure wanted to say something, but I didn’t say something because none of you said something. Why didn’t any of you guys speak up?

Our buddy Dan was clearly going through some sort of crisis that week, and we just let him go through it all alone. Some friends we are. I think we all owe him an apology. Because we all remember those few days where are buddy Dan turned into an Eskimo and we did nothing about it, right?

I’m not going crazy here pal, am I? You can tell me straight. These are real memories, I know it. They feel so real.

Come on, pal, you know everything about me: my virtues, my flaws, my pill addictions. So just tell it to me straight: Remember that one time our friend Dan was an Eskimo for a few days and then he turned back into his old self and no one even acknowledged the transformation?

Please say yes, because if you say no, I’ll know for a fact that you aren’t really my friend and are actually the panda you appear to be.

So what’s it going to be, panda-face?