The Speech I Would Have Given If I Had Been Valedictorian
Hello ladies and germs! It’s great to be here. These past four years have been so great, and I think we should all be so proud of how smart we’ve gotten.
I still can’t believe I’m valedictorian. I don’t even know how to spell valedictorian. Does that disqualify me?
From your silence, I take it to mean that it doesn’t. And I’m glad about that because I’ve got some things I need to get off my chest.
First of all, I need to say that science is weird. I mean, sure it’s logical and makes sense and all, but who in the world thought up all the weird names for this stuff? I mean: meiosis, mitosis, mitochondria, metamorphosis? And that’s just the M’s!
Another thing I wanted to say is, who on earth thought it would be a good idea to cram all of world history into a single class? That’s bananas!
And Key Club? What the frick is Key Club? Do they just sit around all day making keys or something? I guess I would know what Key Club is if I’d gone to that info meeting during freshman year. But if I remember correctly, that particular meeting just happened to fall on a late Wednesday afternoon, which didn’t work for me because I always reserved late Wednesday afternoons for putting off doing my homework while watching funny videos on YouTube.
And what’s the deal with cafeteria food? Why don’t they just make the cafeteria out of the food? Am I right? Can I get an amen?
Oh, and Mr. Wilson, we all know it’s a toupee. We’ve known all along, sir, and quite frankly we don’t care. We just wish you didn’t care so much! Embrace who you really are, man. Be bald and proud!
Lastly, I’d just like to admit that I never really read The Great Gatsby. Mostly I just skimmed and Sparknoted it. But I did read a few pages and I do have to say that I was impressed by F. Scott Fitzgerald’s mastery of symbolic realism. I know those big words because I’m a smart person, as you may have assumed from the fact that I’m valedictorian.
Well that’s my time. It’s been real, folks. See you at the ten year reunion with a deep spray-on tan, a supermodel wife on my arm, and hopefully not a pill addiction!
Originally published at joeboettcher.tumblr.com.
