This is a Full Transcript of the Speech I Gave to a Bunch of Birds on May 2, 2017

Photo by Luis Llerena

Good afternoon.

I am here today to talk to all of you birds about my deep love of jazz music. Now, I want to make it very clear up front that I don’t expect any of you to care about how much I love jazz. Honestly, the real reason I am talking to you at all right now has nothing to do with a desire to inform you of anything about myself. On the contrary, the real reason I am doing this is because I am straight up crazy. Like, grade-A loony. I’m talking crazy-go-nuts-banana-pants-level insane, folks. This ain’t your grandmother’s mental instability. Get the picture?

Now, I know what you’re all thinking. You’re all thinking, chirp chirp, tweet tweet, which is bird speak for, how could you really be insane if you know you’re insane? Isn’t one of the qualifications for actually being insane not knowing that you’re insane? Of course, normally this is the case, but I just happen to be the exception that proves the rule. For the very fact that I just attributed rational human thought to a bunch of birds predicates a certain lunacy, which one might accurately diagnose as insanity. In other words, the point I am trying to make in all of this is that it is objectively crazy to talk to birds (unless the bird so happens to be a parrot. In such a case, the act of talking to birds can be rightly dismissed as nothing more than innocent fun).

But there is nothing fun about what I am doing right now. I am talking to all of you birds, and you can’t even understand what I am saying. What is worse, I just went on a long tangent, wherein I tried to explain to you why my talking to you was insane, which is doubly insane because you also couldn’t understand my explanation, making everything I’ve done up to this very point in trying to appease you nothing more than a trivial redundancy. And for this I am deeply ashamed. Can you ever forgive my thoughtlessness? No you cannot, because you are birds. Woe is me. Will my insanity never end?

What am I saying now? Am I saying that I am ashamed to be insane? What blasphemy against my very self identity! Was I not once proud to be a loon? Was I not once grateful for the fact that whenever someone would try to mug me on the street I had no problem pulling down my pants and urinating on their shoes? My lack of shame has indeed saved me many a dollar while out on evening strolls, hasn’t it? Yes it has! That’s why I once called myself proud to be a nut job. And yea I will call myself proud again once more right now! Oh, how good it feels to once again be comfortable in my own skin! Take note, birds: Today you have witnessed a madman go through an identity crisis and come out a better, nuttier man for it! Now, on to the jazz talk!

Jazz is a genre of music that is full of improvisation and character. I love it for its unpredictability and its unquenchable zest for life! I also love flinging monkeys’ poo back at them when they fling it at me at the zoo… but that’s an entirely different topic. Sorry about that. Sometimes my insanity can make me a bit scatterbrained.

But back to the matter at hand: jazz. Jazz is the name of an NBA basketball team. I believe the team plays its home games in Utah. Isn’t that strange? Up until recently I only knew the word Utah as the name of my middle toe, but now I learn it’s a state. How remarkable!

By the way, I’ve named all of my toes. My big toe’s name is Georgia. My second toe’s name is Maine. My middle toe’s name is, of course, Utah, as I just mentioned. My fourth toe’s name is Maui. And my pinky toe’s name is 425 North 2nd St. Memphis, Tennessee…. Oh wait. That’s actually the street address of my home. Sorry about that, birds. Silly me! My pinky toe’s actual name is 426 North 2nd St. Memphis, Tennessee. Glad I cleared that up.

Anyway, I suppose I should wrap this speech up, birds. For it is getting late, and I can see that you’ve almost finished eating the popcorn I scattered for you on the sidewalk. I must say, it has been a joy to talk to you about jazz. I know you couldn’t understand a word of it, but I’d like to believe you could… so I will. In my insanity I will now will myself to believe that I have just thrilled you with this life-changing speech, and having been thus inspired by this grandiose delusion, I will then write it down word-for-word on this here roll of toilet paper for posterity. Having then satisfied myself with the knowledge that generations to come will be able to read my this speech in its entirety and be educated by it, I will consume this entire roll of toilet paper and then get back to work at my day job as Professor Emeritus of Women’s Studies at U.C. Santa Cruz. It’s gonna be a great semester! Go Bulldogs!

Originally published at

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