What Should I Do When a Terrorism Happens?
When a terrorism happens, its natural to be sad and afraid. This makes you weak and stupid, though, so immediate steps must be taken so that your buddies know you’re a real badass who’s immune to emotion and bristling with tumescent heteronormativity.
Follow this simple process and you’ll be stamping out terrorisms and proving that you think cocks are icky in no time.
The Method
- Choose some people to hate, or remind everyone around you which people you hate. Be as general as possible — categories like religion, gender, race, national origin or immigration status are good places to start.
- Oh no! A bad thing happened!
- Did the people you hate do the bad thing?
- Yes, of course they did. If it wasn’t them then it probably wasn’t such a bad thing.
- Go tell the people you hate how much you hate them. Prove that you’re a real man with as much belligerence as possible! If you have a special sort of hate for those people, maybe it’s time to do something violent — but usually you need to hate them for awhile before it’s time to stab forth with patriotic zeal.
- Wait for some of the people you hate to feel sad and afraid. This will make you feel good, because it’s fun to make people you hate feel sad and afraid. Remember: men who feel sad and afraid are probably having sex with men, children or goats. Those things are all exactly equivalent and also worse than terrorism.
- Wait for awhile, and then the people you hate will recruit members to an exclusive club, where they’ll talk about how much they hate you for your alpha status and your successes in business and bed. This is entirely unlike your own exclusive club where you talk about the people you hate, because of reasons.
- Both your club and the hated people’s club should now wait for a bad thing to happen (step 2), and then repeat this process continuously, forever.
Bonus tips:
It’s often useful to blame the victims of the bad thing that happened. If they also hated the people you hate, then the bad thing wouldn’t have happened to them. Invent some fun words that suggest that they’re gay or (worse) being influenced by women.
You may notice that the hateful things you’re doing are similar to the things that are done by the people you hate. That’s fine, because you’re right and they’re wrong. Now go tell the internet.
Some weaklings will probably say things like “countering blind hate with more blind hate will lead to more bad things happening for everyone.” They’ll say this because they think terrorists just need hugs, which is the only possible interpretation when someone tells you to stop being a rage puppet. You should use some of the fun words you invented to tell them that they’re stupid, feminine and homosexual so that you feel good about your virility and about the powerful physiques of you and your bros.
If fewer bad things happen, this is evidence that your hatred worked. If more bad things happen, this is evidence that you need to be more hateful. It’s just common sense.
If someone in your exclusive club does a terrorism, they were mentally ill. If one of the people you hate does a terrorism, mock the weaklings for suggesting that the terrorist was mentally ill. Remind the weaklings that they’re gay, and dumb, and suggest that you’re banging their wives (who are, of course, attracted to your rippling physique and gorilla mindset.)
Nothing is ever your fault. It’s the fault of the weaklings, and the fault of those people you hate. You’re an alpha, friend! That’s important because acting like an animal proves that you aren’t stupid like those weaklings.
The weakling terrorist huggers are incapable of accepting fault. Mock them relentlessly because of this. Bang their wives, and their wives' dogs, to prove that you’re an alpha.
Congratulations!
You’ve proven that you are a strong, capable protector of women and girly men, and now no one will suspect that you have an insatiable lust for manmeat.
Because of your efforts, terrorisms are now few and far between, and all of the right people are bathing in the glorious rays of your righteous derision.
Be proud, brother, for you have saved the world and suppressed your unnatural urges for another day. Go read some muscle magazines and start a Twitter feud with the mayor where the bad thing happened. You’ve earned it!
