My brother bought a Harley Saturday.

He said, “I’m nervous and excited at the same time. Are you mad at me?”

“Mad at you? Why should I be mad?”

“I don’t know. Because I bought a Harley Davidson.”

“I’m happy for ya. It’s about time you did somethin good for yourself.”

And I meant it. Sean and I had another brother, Dan. He made more money than both of us put together. He sired four daughters, bought a couple of houses and could tell stories about famous musicians with whom he played and recorded in his younger days when he was on the road.

I always thought he was better off because “he did what he wanted.”

I always thought he was better off until he drank himself into a diabetic coma (doctor’s words not mine) and got thrown out of his house. Until he continued to drink till his left leg was gone, his kidneys were shot, till he was blind in one eye and the poison in his blood infected the marrow of his bones.

I always thought he was better off until I asked him, “Is this what you wanted?”

And he said, “Of course not.”

“Then, why?”

“I figure it’s my penance. My penalty. Punishment for trying to be better than what I am. Like you said, I did this to myself. And, let me add, it’s what I deserve.”

I didn’t agree but I understood. We all, my two brothers and my sister, have had to battle the impulse to deny and destroy ourselves. It seems fact and fabric of our family DNA. Mom had it. Dad had it. However, I don’t believe it’s genetic. I believe it was taught to my parents and they taught it to us.

Why do I believe it was nurture rather than nature? I think it was taught because I’ve been un-teaching myself for the past forty years.

Un-teaching myself the negatives: “You have no worth.” “You don’t deserve.” “You’re dead to me.”

And self-teaching I have worth, I do deserve, I have earned the right to live happily.

And, so far, I haven’t drank myself to death. I have lived a creative life, I have people who love me and I have quite a ways to go.

And, so does my brother, Sean. At least the next phase of his journey will be conducted in style atop a Harley Hog. Nothing to feel bad about Brother. Nothing at all.