How To Impress People When You’re An Unemployed Artist — A 5 Step Guide

Don’t worry, loser, there’s hope for you yet!

“Abandoned La-Z-Boys and Uggs are main sources of inspiration, ok?”

Just because you’re a jobless failure doesn’t mean your social life has to be as aimless and boring as you.

In this article, I’ll show you how to expand your social circles while your savings account is gradually shrinking and you’re contemplating robbing the Vatican Bank, faking your death, and setting up a new identity as a world famous emu farmer to make ends meet.

Ahem.

Let’s get started with that first step, shall we?

1. Prepare The Bee’s Knees of Introductions For When People Ask You What You Do For A Living

If you want people to think you’re a loser, just skip this step.

But if you want complete strangers to offer their first-born children to you out of sheer amazement from their first impression of you, ya gotta put your best, and most impressive, foot forward.

For example, being the Renaissance Man that I am (here’s proof), I’ll probably say something like:

“Hi, I’m Joe. I’m a humor blogger, screenwriter, multi-instrumentalist, and guitar builder. I’m basically Leonardo da Vinci, but more alive.”

2. Come Up With A Cool Reason For Why You Quit (Read: Why You Were Fired)

Say that you’re just too hip, too real, too chahuteur for the corporate life without actually saying it.

Remember, people love professional rebels, but the more understated you are about it, the more likely they’ll devote their lives to you like a Justin Bieber fan.

“My old job was nice, but my office didn’t have a workshop for me to build my guitars, custom planter boxes, or perpetual motion machines, so I thought I’d fly solo for a while.”

3. Project An Aura Of Mystery, Like You’re In The Witness Protection Program

Don’t reveal too much of what you’re working on, because when people find out that you’re just a writer on Medium, they won’t want to make babies with you.

Basically, a little mystique can make up for a lack of perceived wealth and importance.

“You know I almost wasn’t going to come here tonight. My friends at Marvel Studios wanted to meet with me about a new project they need my help with, but I told them this doggie birthday party was too important to pass up.”

4. Be A Freight Train Of Confidence That Stops For Nobody

Pretend you’re the CEO of a mega corporation that doesn’t actually exist, and act like people should be privileged to even stand in your shadow.

That doesn’t mean treating people like dirt-shit, but you also shouldn’t act sheepish about the fact that you’re one month away from getting evicted.

“I don’t need a regular paycheck or a generous benefits package or an air-conditioned office to be an artist. In fact, I’m more productive when I’m poor, disease-ridden, and suffering from simultaneous heat strokes.”

5. Dress Like You Buy Your Threads at Tom Ford and Not Target (Where You Regularly Shoplift From Because It’s Cheaper Than Spending Money)

You should be able to scrounge up at least one dashing outfit, right?

Even if it’s the only nice ensemble you have, wear it anytime you go out, especially to social occasions, like birthdays, weddings, and cult gatherings. Albert Einstein was famous for wearing only one gray suit, and you’re way more alive than him!

Of course, it might also help to prepare an explanation for your seemingly odd fashion choices.

“I wear the same outfit every day to reduce the number of decisions I have to make. It’s something only geniuses do. You wouldn’t understand, you stylish idiot.”

There! Now you’re ready to trick complete strangers into thinking you’re a total nobody that nobody knows about who’s about to become a total somebody that everybody knows about, instead of the total nobody that nobody’s heard of that you actually are.

Check out the stories below for even more tips on how to be an unemployed artist: