What to Do if a Girl Says “Hi” in Real Life

This is it. This is your chance. Don’t blow it. It’s already been 5 seconds, and you’re still just standing there staring at her like a lunatic. The next words that come out of your mouth will set the tone for the rest of your inevitably long, perfect relationship, filled with staggeringly assured mother-goosery.
Tell her that you walk dogs for a living. No, wait! Tell her you’re a dinosaur hunter. Then, when she finds out you’re actually a dog walker, she won’t be so disappointed to find out that you can’t not slurp soup.
Oh, but you have to choose a greeting first. She already said “Hi,” so that’s out. Go with Howdy — tell her you’re a cowboy. Wait, are cowboys cool? Heck yeah, they are! But, say it with a twang and maybe add “partner” to the end. Then she can never accuse you of a lack of intimacy or being afraid of commitment. “I called you partner from Day One!” you could say after the 23rd date, when she says that you just don’t seem to be interested in anything long-term.
Okay, don’t panic, but it looks like she’s leaving. Grab her arm! No wait — remember what happened last time? Tell her something. Tell her that there’s a monster over there and it will eat her up if she walks away.
I guess you’ll have to explain that it’s only invisible to her because she’s not vegan. Also, explain that monster vision is not the only benefit to going vegan. Tell her about the lower cholesterol. Everyone loves lower cholesterol . . . well, except for Big Egg, I guess. On second thought, don’t tell her about Big Egg just yet. She’s probably not ready.
Shoot! Whatever you tell her, you’re going to have to shout it now! She’s almost across the street. Maybe yell-tell her that she’s a really good walker. You’re really impressed with her stride, you should say.
Oh, wait; she’s stopped. Looks like she’s saying hi to someone else now — what a naughty strumpet! Is that . . . oh, it’s a policeman.
They’re both coming back, now. You’re going to have close the deal in front of an audience. I suggest going straight to a prop-based introduction at this point.
So, take off your shoe and put it to your ear like a telephone. Then say, “Hi, Mom. Yes. I know its been a while since we talked, but you always said to call you when I met the woman of my dreams.”
Then, hand her your shoe-phone and tell her that her future mother-in-law wants to say “Hi.”
Great Job! We’re finally doing it. Don’t give up! Just keep hopping on one foot and shouting, “It’s for you!!!!”
Oh, wait. It looks like the policeman is escorting her away.
She must have been some sort of criminal. I guess we really dodged a bullet on that one.
