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Image: Man via “All Kind of People” (Licensed & edited by author)

In my family, it’s tradition to have a job. I know, we’re nuts! And this year, after reaching 32 years old, I figured it was time to continue the family legacy and finally understand what holding a briefcase feels like.

For me, working at my father’s prestigious hedge fund firm was guaranteed, but there were still hard questions like, “where does this 32-year-old man with no life skills or experience fit into the company?” and “Really? Daryl? Can he at least learn to read first?”

Once I got started, there were a few bumps in the road early on — specifically around lunchtime. You see, when you’re always in a rush to leave for work, and you’re also an avid WW2 era “Mk 2 Frag Grenade” collector, sometimes you grab the wrong thing for lunch. …


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Illustration by Tommie Herfkens

Everyone has a best friend. For some, it’s the next-door neighbor they met when they were five. For some, it’s their college roommate. And for others, it’s the demonic figure named “Kryptos” that possessed their body from age 7 to 18.

I’ll never forget the day I met my best friend. My mom told me to get some Christmas decorations from our pitch-black-and-one-hundred-year-old-basement-that-multiple-people-had-died-in-in-the-fifties so, of course, I went down. As I stepped down the loudly creaking steps, I had to cover my ears so I could stop hearing the decades-old screams of those orphans that were murdered down there. “Turn the woodchipper off!” they screamed. “Why a woodchipper?” Once I reached the bottom, though, I let out a huge sigh. …


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Illustration by Tommie Herfkens

When I learned that my grandfather was diagnosed with a heart condition, I was devastated. He had served in World War II (I won’t say for which side because I don’t think it’s important) and had even taken part in the Vietnam War protests (he actually wanted more war, but again, not important). He was absolutely my hero, and still is.

Nonetheless, I knew I had to help out. He didn’t have health insurance and when I looked into how to get it for him, it seemed like a lot of work — so that was immediately off the table. From my one Google search where I clicked on the first link, I discovered that he needed a pacemaker. Perfect. …

About

Joe Harrington

Joe Harrington is already a declining star in comedy at the age of 22. He lives in Chicago and is potty trained.

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