
A Sweaty Guy is Going to be a Star!
This is chapter nineteen of A Sweaty Guy.
To start from the beginning just click here.
I was walking down the sidewalk in Waikiki, on the beach side of Kalakaua Avenue. It was late February, 2005, about four o’clock on a Thursday afternoon; I had just finished work.
I had my appointments set.
This weekend I would move out of the clean and sober house and back into Julia’s place. Next Tuesday, after work, I would meet with Dr. Altman in his Kailua office. A week from today would be my long awaited meeting with Darlene.
Young people were walking by with surfboards. Girls in bikinis, tourists with beach gear. The sun was shining and I was buzzing. The DXM seemed to bring everything into sharper, crisper focus, yet all living things seemed to vibrate with energy, to hum at some deep, cosmic level.
I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular, just taking in the scene. Again, I felt a sudden rush of a deja’ vu’ sensation. This time the experience was totally disconnected from my surroundings. Nothing around me seemed to be related to the “memory” that swept through my mind’s eye (and ears?). I don’t know what (other than the DXM) triggered it. It wasn’t a past memory that was brought up; it seemed to be a future memory, another premonition.
Along with a physical experience, I had a vision in my minds eye. The eyes in my head were open and I was still aware of everything in front of me, but in my mind I saw myself walking out onto a stage in front of TV cameras and a large studio audience.
The vision was from a first person perspective; I saw what I would see if I was actually walking onto the stage as a guest on David Letterman’s Late Show.
This sensation lasted only a few seconds, and then my mind formed a memory connection. I remembered a dream I’d had a few months before, when I had just returned from the mainland but before I had moved into the house in Kahulu‘u and started treatment. I’d been lying in bed drinking for some days. My habit was to leave the TV on all the time; I would drink, pass out, regain consciousness, drink, pass out, etc. To the extent that I was awake, I would watch, or listen to, whatever was on.
At some point I had a dream that I was a guest on Letterman. He asked me about my book; he praised me for my honesty and creativity; I showed all the false modesty I could muster. I specifically remember one question in particular. Dave asked me if it was true that I had actually had a premonition of being on his show. I said yes it was true, but I had been acting crazy in those days and telling people that I’d had a premonition that I would be on his show just made me look crazier.
Of course, the TV was on and most likely Letterman was on when I had my dream. It wouldn’t be the only time I’d drawn from the outside world to populate my dreams. I do wonder, though, if Dave has ever interviewed someone about their premonitions of being on his show.
I didn’t know what would land me on the show. I’d wanted to write. I figured plugging my new book would be the most likely route to the show. But I’d been encouraging Rod and Pahi to collaborate with their music. Maybe managing their careers could lead me to fame and fortune, eventually getting me booked as a guest on my favorite late night talk show. I’d been considering getting a dog; maybe I’ll be on stupid pet tricks, I thought.
I decided to pick up some more cough syrup and stay at the house in Kailua. I wanted to try increasing my dose even further than I had. I locked myself in my room and put on my iPod.
At first the trip progressed as usual. Meaningless visual images; cartoons bouncing around to the music. I turned off the iPod and lay there for a while. I was looking for meaning, a clue to what was happening to me. I heard a voice. It spoke to me about divinity, about the spirit world just outside of our perception. It told me that God is a collective sort of collective human consciousness.
But this consciousness includes all things living or not, all matter, all light, all time, all gravity, all space, everything. This consciousness affects all things and all things affect the collective according to their individual level of consciousness. Yet this giant collective somehow also has its own individual consciousness.
Imagine, the voice told me, each cell in your body has the vaguest, the tiniest sense of itself. It knows nothing outside it self, but it “feels” hunger and pain (in a way) when it is threatened. It senses comfort and satisfaction (of a sort) when it is functioning properly. Your own health and well being is affected by the health and well being of each of the billions of cells in your body and you in turn have the ability to impact the health and well being of all of those cells. So is the relationship between you and what you call God.
The analogy was played out for me in a visual way in my minds eye as the voice narrated. The universe: a constant struggle between life and entropy, two sides of the same coin, each living thing with a role to play. From death and decay springs life. From human suffering — human growth.
The next day I told everyone about the Letterman premonition, but I left out the prophet stuff. I called my ex-wife and told her about this and the previous premonition that involved her at the beginning of our marriage. That premonition had come true, so had the one involving Fly (even though I hadn’t recognized them as premonitions at the time). Joan listened politely to my story and gave me no indication that she thought I was going a little crazy. I told my dad, Julia, my 13 year old daughter, Rod and Pahi. Who knows who else I told: “I going to be on Letterman. I had a premonition”.
Julia didn’t share my enthusiasm at all.
She was concerned that I was either addicted to meth, or I was suffering from a serious psychosis. My father seemed more confused. He was not (yet) as concerned that I was using drugs; my conversations with him were always coherent. I was lucid but the mania only seemed to be increasing. He encouraged me to take these “premonitions” with a grain of salt. I did my best to reassure both of them that I was alright, better than ever in fact. I was a bit put out that they should rain on my parade, but told them that I appreciated their concern and assured them that I would be seeing Dr. Altman in a few days.
Shea, on the other hand sounded truly excited for me, as I told her with the authority of a father who knows, that, while I didn’t know when, I was going to appear on “The Late Show”. Pahi, Rod and other people I told, reacted much like my ex-wife; they listened politely, perhaps thinking I was nuts, but not saying so.
