Take Control of Your Self-Esteem

Have you ever had an encounter that you think about for years and then suddenly, stop to wonder if the other person (or people) involved even remember your conversation?

One time in first year, I met this young woman who taught me a lesson I’ll never forget — let’s call her Cee. I had just gone through a long, drawn out breakup from a long, drawn out (unhealthy) relationship; and Cee and I were discussing our neuro class and how talking about hardships can help relieve some of the mental energy those hardships consume. I was telling Cee about how I’d like to apologize to my ex for the part I played in our fights, but how it wouldn’t mean anything to her. Then Cee said something I’ll never forget: “sometimes, it doesn’t matter how people react to what you do, all that matters for you is what actions you take.” I could apologize for my sake, to let my ex know I was sorry for the way things went between us, but I couldn’t control whether that apology would mean anything to her. But, if it felt like the right thing to do, then there was no reason for me not to.

This theme has come up in my life several times since my encounter with Cee, and it gave new light to a few lessons I had heard prior to it. For example, a friend of mine was participating in a Narcotics Anonymous group for a while when he taught me the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I now have the ‘wisdom’ to know I can change my actions (which will, at times take courage) and I can’t change other people’s reactions — only they can (with which I can learn to have serenity).

More recently, I finally got around to reading Steven Covey’s ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’. Many of his thoughts expand on, and have influenced much of my the way I see the world, but there’s one in particular that’s related to this thought. Within the pages of the first habit, ‘Be Proactive’, he describes the ‘Circle of Concern’ and the ‘Circle of Influence’.

The Circle of Concern encompasses everything that concerns me. Everything on my mind in a given day, in a given year, throughout my life. Some things are ‘closer to the center’ of the circle such as; family, friends, and environmental sustainability. While others seem to ‘jump into and out of’ my circle of concern. Some days I think about dressing ‘fashionably’ and other days (honestly, most of the time), I put on the first thing that catches my eye.

The Circle of Influence encompasses everything that I actually have control over. For most people, their circle of concern is bigger than their (known) circle of influence — as such, the circle of influence is depicted residing within the circle of contcern (see diagram below). (I say ‘known’ because you may not know how your actions influence others, they may influence people in ways you never intended or imagined). And just to tie the knot for all those Covey fans out there, he says being proactive means focusing on expanding that inner circle, rather than focusing on the outer circle and letting it shrink the inner circle.

When it comes to choosing my actions and choosing those of other people; I’m sure you’ve already noticed that I may be concerned with others’ reactions, but I only have influence over my own. That’s not to say that my actions cannot influence the actions other people will choose to make (in fact, my actions are powerful beyond measure) — but if they do, it’s because the other person chose to be influenced (consciously or not). If another person is dead-set on not letting me influence them, that’s out of my control.

I went back to The 7 Habits to see if I could clarify some of my thoughts here, and I realized that more ideas came from this book than I had originally thought. Covey mentions the serenity prayer, for example; and he talks about direct, indirect and, no control — which I was going to get into next, to clarify complete influence (i.e., control over your own actions) and partial influence (i.e., affecting other people’s actions). I’m going to leave Covey (or many of the related blogs you can find online) to explain these concepts better than I can, but the intro will suffice for how his model connects to ‘The Moment’ I introduced a few weeks ago (displayed below).

Notice how Covey and Benedetti both used circles in their models — this is the connection point. The circle of influence maps onto the circle that acts as a barrier between the internal and external world. That internal world is what we have control over and that’s the world we need to focus on through our healing journey. In a minute, I will mention a few things that you can do to leverage this model for your mental health — but first, let me do something that goes against any rules for ‘good blogging’. I’m going to go back to the Covey model (that I said I wasn’t going to explain anymore) and I’m going to modify it. I should probably just delete that section and re-write with my modifications already in place — that’d save you some reading time, too — but that’s not a real look into my mind like I promised at the beginning of this series.

If you look at the diagram below, you’ll see I added a third circle — the Circle of Control inside the Circle of Influence. I want to do this to eliminate any confusion between what we can control and what we can influence. We can’t control others, but we can influence them. This way, I can make the circle in Benedetti’s model analogous to the Circle of Control without needing to worry about the details of the Circle of Influence. This distinction is important to me because I believe that we can influence many things in the world that we can’t necessarily control, but we can learn to take complete control over our actions. **As I’ll expand on in another thought, I believe that everyone can change the world in two ways, and although I haven’t completely thought it through yet (sorry), I think this modified model will fit nicely with that theory.**

Back to mental health. In my “Neuroscience of Stress” class, we learned about the “locus of control” which can be internal or external. In most cases, people have both loci of control, however they (correctly or incorrectly) attribute control differently in different contexts. If I have an extremely dominant internal locus of control, then I believe that I am in control of everything. An extremely external locus of control comes with the belief that I don’t have any control, at all. Both extremes can be terribly detrimental for mental health. If I think I can control everything, then I will blame myself every time the world is not perfect. If, on the other hand, I don’t think I can control anything, then I will feel hopeless about my efficacy in every situation. But if I can learn to identify where I have control and where I don’t, then I can apply my energy accordingly — the serenity prayer.

For example, when I was looking for a job after school; sometimes not being able to find a job was really frustrating. I put out lots of resumes, followed up with people I was especially interested in working for, and listened as crickets chirped in my direction. On more than one occasion, I caught myself thinking “I’m fairly smart, personable, and have a pretty good resume. I have an excellent work ethic, and I always want to be the best I can be at my job. I’m putting the effort into finding a place to work. My getting a job is out of my control.” And that thought started to eat me. I would think, “there’s nothing I can do, my degree is useless, maybe I’m not as smart as I thought….” Once I started to notice that mindset creep in, I would tell myself; “All you can do is keep trying. If no one hires you, then you can look for temporary work and wait until the perfect opportunity opens up. You can’t control the decisions of the hiring managers, but you can keep doing your best, learning to do better, and eventually you’ll get to be a huge asset to a company that recognizes your value.” I started treating interviews like training. When I’d mess one up, I’d reflect on what I did wrong and work to change it. When I nailed one, I’d reflect on what went well and ensured I could do it again. Eventually, an amazing opportunity opened up, at Community Forests International, and I was brought onto the team. I learned not to worry about how managers reacted to my application; but instead, focus on making my ‘pitch’ incrementally better.

This realization lead to a simple mental model that I have used ever since: internal vs external validation. Just like the loci of control, it’s important to find the right balance of places from where you’re validated — but, I find that (especially, but not solely, in the past) I have spent way too much time seeking external validation. My self-worth was wrapped up in what I thought other people thought of me. I looked for signs about whether people thought I was attractive to feel confident in my appearance. I looked to see if people treated me like an equal, like a child (which we should still treat as equals), or as a mentor or leader of some kind. If I got positive feedback and feelings from people, than I was content, even proud of myself. But, if people treated me poorly or made me question my beliefs about myself, that would have a huge negative effect on my self-image and my mental health.

Realizing that people’s opinions of me should not paint my image of myself has forced me to really focus on painting my own image. Who am I? What qualities do I want to see in myself? What qualities do I not really care about? What qualities can I work on, develop, and change? What qualities do I have very little control over? How can I continue creating a more positive self-image? I still look for feedback from other people, but now I look to see if I’m being received the way I am aiming for. If someone is not showing me respect, I ask myself: “is this a me problem, or is this something on their end?” If I recognize that someone is showing me disrespect because I’ve been rude or (as I’m finding is more frequently the case) reclusive, then I take that feedback as a gift and figure out what I can do differently the next time I’m in a similar situation.

My self-image is one of the major attitudes I bring into a situation (although I’m not usually conscious it). If I’m struggling with self-esteem and someone does something I don’t like, I more easily get offended, I more easily take it to heart, and I more easily react (in self-’defence’). It’s a method of self-preservation. Because I don’t have a strong grasp of my sense of identity or a solid self-esteem, I blame other people for my negative feelings — I become a wild animal, backed into a corner with nothing left to do but give in: “Yup, it’s confirmed, I suck;” or to lash out: “You’re such an a**hole! You have the problem, not me!”

When, however, I recognize that I’m blaming other people for my negative self-image (and that ultimately, I have control… or can learn to control, my self-image) I can check that reaction. Even though — especially at the beginning — these external factors will still hurt my self-image, I can notice the problem being my self-image, and not the other person. That’s not to say that people won’t be disrespectful, and that they won’t hurt me (even intentionally, sometimes) — just that I don’t need to attach my self-worth to their opinion. I don’t need to tolerate their negativity either. I can talk to them about how it affects me, or (in extreme cases) remove them from my life.

Thoughts started flowing and I got a little off track, but really what I’m trying to get at is this. I’ve said that, in the context of The Moment, I think I have control over the mental processing that resides within the green circle. However, it’s important to recognize that much of my attitude, automatic reactions, and deliberative process has been established over years of not being intentional about cultivating a healthy mindset. Many of my attitudes and beliefs are learned and ingrained from external sources without my awareness of their existence. So, although I can control my mindset and cognitive processing to a certain extent, I must also accept that there is going to be years of (neural) pathway consolidation to undo. I’ll have thoughts that ‘pop up’ that are out of my control (and in some sense, come from ‘outside me’) but through becoming aware of these thoughts and attitudes, I can work to overwrite them with new, healthier thought patterns and pathways. And the only way I can overwrite them is by taking action — not because I want people to react a particular way, but because it’s important to me.

Summary

• I can only control my actions, my mindset. It won’t always be exactly how I’d like it, but I can learn to make it more prevalent over time.
• If I value ourselves based on external factors, my self-image will shift with things that are out of my control
• If I choose to take ownership of my life, I can cultivate a more positive mindset that serves to make me a better person

Questions

• What is your dominant locus of control? How does that mindset affect your life?
• What is your dominant means of validation? What are some qualities that you love about yourself, regardless of what other people think?
• What actions are within your circle of control? How can you use this control to expand your circle of influence and shrink your circle of concern? (I.e., how can you worry less about things over which you have little influence and no control?)

In the spirit of sharing thoughts and spreading love: joel.dd.baylis@gmail.com