Birthday Eve
My Trillion Dollar Idea
Few people have had ideas that reshaped our lives. Most were world-destroying ideas, such as gunpowder and Facebook. But a handful of Übermensches lifted society to its next stage. I am one of those Übermensches.
It is not surprising, given my previous achievements. In 2007, I came up with Slut Day, the now widely celebrated holiday that returns Halloween to the children by moving adult exhibitionism to the first Saturday in August. In 2015, I invented National Magazine Humor Columnist Day, which is on Monica Lewinsky’s birthday not because I’m a sexist jerk amused by her suffering, but because we happen to have the same birthday.
Here is my gift to the world:
Birthday Eve.
From nowhenceforth, everyone will celebrate their birthday not only on the day of their birth, but also the night before the day of their birth. The brilliance of this is that we now get 50 percent more birthday.
“But,” you’re wondering because you have so much less imagination than I do, “how does Birthday Eve work? Is there caroling?”
No. Caroling sucks. How is that your first question? No one has caroled outside of Hallmark movies in 40 years. Plus, there are zero good birthday songs, which you know if you’ve ever been to a chain restaurant on someone’s…
