Half of 18 is 6

About the time my oldest daughter turned nine I had the thought “We are halfway done”. Not in a “Thank goodness, parenting is hard” kind of way — although parenting is really hard at times, and I’ve made plenty of unforced errors. It was more like “Oh no — it’s going by too fast!”. Cliché but heart wrenchingly true. Nine more years didn’t seem like enough time to spend with someone I love so much.

Of course, there are some mistakes in this thinking. Its likely at least one of our two daughters will live with us for a while after high school. Or they might move out and boomerang back for a while. No matter when they move out my wife and I will still be their parents, and they will still need help, support and guidance for the rest of their lives.

Still, every year the amount of time we get to spend with our daughters shrinks. The real mistake is in believing the halfway point was nine years. I think if I could tally up the hours we get to spend together between birth and graduation the real halfway point would be about six years.

When they were babies and toddlers, they needed almost constant attention. Feeding them, dressing them, changing diapers, helping them sleep at the right times, tantrums, any kind of prep to travel (even to the grocery store)… it all takes a lot of time. Plus playtime, outings, and so many fun activities. Dozens of hours a week sharing real experiences.

As they got older, they spent more time at school, with friends, and in sports and other programs. Still, there were plenty of hours spent driving them around and supervising those activities. Beyond that, we spent time playing together, reading together, working on chores, and so many other things. They were happy to be with us. They sought our company and still believed we knew everything.

In the preteen years things started to change. Homework demanded more and more solitary hours every week. They spent more time with their friends. They wouldn’t always accept an invitation to play a game with us or ride along on an errand. Even so, without too much persuasion they were willing to practice throwing, geek out together over some interesting learning or help make dinner.

Now both of my daughters are teenagers. Between homework, activities, and friends they have so much to do, and it usually doesn’t involve me or their mom. When they aren’t doing these things, they often make it clear they’d rather not be with us. This is probably developmentally appropriate, but it still hurts. There are too many days that go by when I only see my fifteen year old for a few minutes in passing. This is less true for my thirteen year old, but that’s changing fast.

When we do get to spend quality time together, we still have so much fun. I am always learning from them and amazed at their insight, intelligence and wit. They both have amazing talents that are growing fast. We’ve made some awesome people that we love to spend time with!

Even when one of them is being impossibly difficult to be around, I still get sad when they go hole away in their rooms.

Here’s the thing I’m learning about parenting teens: these kids need just as much guidance as ever, but we have less time with them. We have to let them be independent and figure themselves out, make their own mistakes. We have to be more strategic about exactly what guidance we provide. One poorly handled interaction creates fallout for weeks. One well-chosen bit of advice can help them forever.

So if you are a parent of young children — yes, the time commitment can be overwhelming. But do what you can to appreciate it. These kids will change really quickly, and you only get to enjoy each version of them for a short while. Always be looking for new ways to spend time together, and be ready with new ideas as they get older. Here’s a few things that have worked for us and families we know:

• Read together. When they are little, read to them. When they are older, read the same books they are reading, or try listening to audiobooks together.
• Play games together. It can be card games or video games, game night or impromptu, the whole family or one on one, whatever.
• Be involved in their activities. Take them to rehearsal, coach their team, or practice with them.
• Share a hobby. It could be cooking, sewing, fixing cars —it doesn’t matter what as long as you can both enjoy it and learn together.
• Enjoy music together. With great effort I’ve managed to set aside my indie instincts to enjoy the pop music my daughters are into, and we’ve shared our favorite artists from many genres and periods with them.
• Watch TV together — strategically. When they were little we mostly avoided TV. But now in our family almost each combination of family members has a show they share. These have started many conversations and inside jokes.
• Spend downtime talking instead of on devices. This is really hard these days and we often fail, but a little chit chat while waiting for a table or whatever is worth much more than another cycle through social media.
• Go somewhere together. Hike to the park or take a week’s vacation, just get them away from their (and your) distractions and obligations and share a new experience.
• Talk about your work and their school. Share your highlights and low-lights.
• Lead by example. Try to demonstrate your values and standards every day. Kids, especially teens, can spot any mismatch between your words and deeds. When you fail, take ownership and talk about it. When you or they succeed in upholding your shared beliefs, celebrate it. Spending your time doing the right thing, and then telling your kid about it — that’s parenting too.

Of course, there are many different kinds of kids, parents and families. My family is an economically secure, two-parent household with two healthy teenagers. We were lucky to have job situations that allowed us to spend a lot of time with our girls when they were small. Your family could be totally different, with different opportunities, challenges and rewards.

But whatever your circumstances, cherish the time you do have with your kids. Make the most of it, especially while they are little.

Because they probably won’t always be spending so much time with you. It will slip away much faster than you think.

Because half of 18 is 6.