Is it in yet? (17/1)
My daily journal
I struggle to feel.
This?
Thoughts.
I fear that I have dulled my feelings to a reactionary binary whereby if I feel anything, at all, I am prompted to think my way out of it immediately using tried and tested techniques honed over a lifetime of cerebral development.
My journaling, my veganism, my walking and training, my outlook are all methodical and physical frameworks that I have built into my life so that I can ‘feel’ at their peripheries. I can feel outraged at injustice, I can feel accomplished when I hit ‘publish’, I can feel the burn of lactic acid when I rep to fatigue, I can feel pious when I eat locally sourced fruit and veg.
But I am cheating myself really.
I manufacture these feelings so I can feel something and convince myself that all is fine.
But what of emotional development?
I’m in my fifth decade and I can’t remember a previous time where this has ever even been a serious consideration let alone a system let alone a priority.
Instead I find myself stumbling through my emotional life, wreaking havoc, constantly off track and, to be honest, often feeling helpless. The sense of surety that I do have, comes from the completion of my self-set tasks which prove to me that I am disciplined, reliable, strong, resilient and adaptive.
I refine my intellect and my grit and blunt all else.
And do you know what?
The reason I shy away from connecting with my feelings is because my biggest fear is that they are not there at all. It is a garden that I have left untended for so long that even weeds have surely perished and only dust remains.
Who were the gardeners?
None of the mes that are here now can remember these guys. I mean, we might’ve seen them but they weren’t memorable and they ain’t here now.
I think maybe I could be numb from a life where I’ve seen way too much. There are so many mes that had to step up and carry us through some harrowing experiences and each of them, battle-hardened, bear the trauma of their assignments. These mes have carte blanche on the control panel and it’s hard to hear from anyone else. Especially as new mes keep on arriving.
It may be time for plant medicine to assist in ushering the forgotten guys back up to the front. You don’t solve a problem on the same plane as it was created. It is long overdue now I think of it and the trajectory I intend. I will have to schedule that soon. I’m glad that we’ve come to that.
So I’m still improving my consistency with the workouts and want to remain at around this pace for speed but now concentrate on form. My legs are sore from the squats and the steps but I think it feels good. ;-)
