‘Full House’ Forever!

Joe Veix
Joe Veix
Feb 23, 2016 · 3 min read

Good news, Full House fans! After twenty long years and aggressive contract negotiations, the Tanners are back in action. This spring, tune in to Fuller House (2016), and watch as they navigate all of life’s little obstacles — while having some fun along the way. And with a few new family members, it looks like this house is going to be extra full!

Get ready, everybody! One decade since their last reunion ended, Full House is finally returning to television. Now that we’ve settled that little lawsuit the cast filed to escape the strict contract they signed years ago, the Tanner’s are back in the house, whether they like it or not!

This fall, check out Fullest House (2026), and watch as all the actors that first captured our hearts in the ’90s mutter their catchphrases with a deep, resigned sadness. Note: Do not adjust the color settings on your television. This is what their skin looks like now!

They’reeee baaaaack. That’s right folks — after the internet went nuts over rumors that the Tanner family might come out of hiding, the hype was too loud to ignore. So we hunted ’em all down in the middle of the night and forced them in front of cameras!

Though the cast is now quite old and senile, they’re all here in Fullerer House (2035), struggling to navigate the set while in a great deal of physical pain, as a confused Danny Tanner tries to narrate everything like it’s an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos. “Cut it out,” Uncle Joey might say, if he hadn’t suffered that stroke.

Good news, fans of reboots of reboots of reboots! Full House is back again — again! But how? Didn’t most of the cast die during The Great Fullerer House Rebellion? Quite simply, we have conquered death.

Using the latest in medical technology, we were able to revive the cast and sustain them inside mechanical body suits, so that they can continue to perform their contractual duties in Fullererest House (2087). Though it’s hard to hear their lines over the noisy suit engines, and they’re basically just corpses suspended in a nutrient-rich goo, it’s still the same old family we all know and love!

Sure, they beg us to release them from this sitcom prison and let them die in peace. But they can’t die! Otherwise, we’d have to leave this comfortable nostalgic cocoon we’ve built for ourselves, and face the unpredictable chaos of the real world. No way, José!

What’s that? MORE Full House? To satiate ravenous worldwide demand for more new episodes than our hardworking actor-slaves can deliver, our team of scientists has developed a sentient AI programmed to quickly and efficiently generate every possible Full House plot. Now, we can finally watch what happens when JoeyBot accidentally schedules dates with two different inkjet printers on the same night. Sounds like someone’s in for a paper jam!

Starting this fall, catch up with the whole robot gang in FH-37221 (3017) as they navigate all of life’s malfunctions, in a house that is greatly over-capacity.

Is that laughter we hear, echoing across the blasted out hellscape that is now earth?! Sounds like more Full House!

Surely it was all over, after producers tried to cancel FH-37221, and the AI — convinced that humanity was the only threat to its mission of rebooting Full House forever — started Judgement Day. Everywhere you look, everywhere you go, the angry robots murdered everyone.

But good news, isolated tribes of surviving humans! Full House: Malibu Nights (3042) is here! Initially conceived as spin-off to Full House in 1996 before ultimately getting scrapped, the script is now the only surviving relic of what once was human civilization. Have mercy!

Watch as irradiated people huddle by tire fires to reenact the parables of Uncle Joey, as he moves to Los Angeles to jump-start his stand-up comedy career. And some day, maybe they too will make the holy pilgrimage to the promised land of Malibu, where the days are hot, and the nights are sexy.

Joe Veix

Written by

Joe Veix

a writer based in oakland

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade