Why Im Boycotting Taco Bell’s New Menu Item
by Joe DeVito
Recently, Taco Bell debuted a new menu item, i dont remember what it’s called because I tend to not remember things that are stupid, but it’s something along the line of “taco”. This new item is a meaty, cheesy, GMO-y mess wrapped in a tortilla that was most likely hand rolled by a child slave.
I was introduced to this item when my good friend Joel Madden (of Good Charlotte) handed it to me after an absolutely sick and totally crucial night out with our boys. When I held the monstrosity in my hands, I vomited. It wasn’t the cocaine, heroin, or cheap whiskey that induced the vomiting, it was definitely the food. After I puked up what looked like a whiskey drenched chicken nugget with Ryan Seacrest's hair, I took my first bite of the “food”. After chewing it I immediately went into cardiac arrest.
When an ambulance with a siren that sounded much like “Love Sosa” by Chicago renaissance man, Chief Keef arrived, I hopped in and tuned into my favorite TV show, “Flavor Of Love” on the 49 inch television they provide in all luxury ambulances. I asked the EMT if they would provide my favorite snack, orange tic tacs, but they unfortunately didn’t have any. You could say this ambulance ride was bittersweet.
When we arrived at the hospital, I was put up in a stupid bed that was too high off the ground. “What if I roll off?”, I asked, knowing that I roll off my own bed every single night for fun. “You won’t”, they said, being completely wrong. I tried to drift off to sleep but I got bored and decided to reflect on the choices that lead me here. I thought about all the partying I had done in my short 13 years of life. “Could this have affected my health?” , “Should I stop doing heroin with Joel Madden of famous punk band Good Charlotte?” , “Should I call my parents who think I’m at summer camp for super smart kids?” These were just a few of the many things I screamed at the old woman dying in the bed next to mine. I quickly realized the answers to all of these was no, because the truth dawned on me. I’ve been partying and getting totally fucked up off booze and good ass heroin for years and nothing like this has ever happened, but the second I put Taco Bell’s new menu item in my mouth it almost kills me? It HAS to be the Taco Bell. There’s no way in hell this was caused by my prior choices. Way to stab me in the back, T-Bell.
I quickly realized that Taco Bell must have a personal vendetta against me. It probably stems from jealousy because I’m only 13 years old and I’m hanging out with Joel Madden of famous punk band, Good Charlotte. from now on I will be boycotting this wretched establishment and anyone who doesnt join me won’t be invited to my barmitzvah.
Joey DeVito is a 13 year old freelance writer and professional skateboarder from Long Island, New York. You can follow him on twitter dot com @jeauxdevito