I Went to Sante Fe Where I Stole a Man’s Clothes
I went to Sante Fe last week. We left Thursday evening. It had been a busy day, and I almost missed the flight. I was late leaving work and I had to buy carrot juice because it helps my acid reflux, which was bothering me that day, and so I went to the store, grabbed a carrot juice, and got in line to pay. In front of me was a woman paying in small change. Now that’s totally cool to pay that way. I hate when I have a bunch of change, and I applaud her for using it, but I had a plane to catch and she was filling out these forms for some reason and paying with change.
Another aisle opened and I tried to get in line but this other person beat me. Finally I was able to pay and went down into the station and got on an A train. So that was the drama before I even got on the plane. I know, pretty crazy.
The flight to Sante Fe was going fine until about two hours into it when the man behind me decided to jam his knees into the back of my seat. He had been doing perfectly fine without jamming his knees in the back of my seat so I don’t know what happened. But he moved his knees back and forth across the seat back, finding the soft spots in my lower back.
I turned around and glared at him.
He continued to press against the seat.
I stood up and said to him, Hey, do you mind not sticking your knees into the back of my seat?
They’re not, he said. Look, they’re not.
He had moved them to the side.
Well, you were doing it. Please don’t do it again.
They’re not, they’re not. Look.
Are you not listening to what I’m saying? You were sticking your knees in the seat. Don’t do it again.
They’re not, they’re not. Look. They’re not.
Idiot, I said as I sat down.
I wondered if he lived in Albuquerque or Sante Fe. I wondered if I’d see him again when the plane landed. I didn’t want to cause a scene in the air but on the ground is a different story.
In Albuquerque after we landed (the man disappeared) we went to Taco Cabana. Wow, it was really good. I had a chicken taco and cheese and bean taco.
We drove to Sante Fe in the dark. I’ve only ever been on that road to Sante Fe at night. The first time I went to Sante Fe I thought Aunt Carolyn, my girlfriend’s aunt, who is a nice and pleasant woman, was going to kill me. The road’s dark and empty enough to kill someone. I mean she seems sweet but maybe, just maybe, she’s really a serial killer. Maybe she was going to kill me and feed me to her chickens. I don’t think my girlfriend would let her do that, but how well do you really know people? And at night on the highway between Sante Fe and Albuquerque anything can happen.
But she didn’t kill me. They were whispering together for a bit so maybe they agreed to let me live for a while longer. Thank you, ladies.
The next morning was a Friday. I had to do some work.
Did I tell you, sweetie, I said to my girlfriend, that I have to do some work remotely today?
She looked at me. No, she said.
Sorry, sweetie, I thought I told you.
No, you didn’t, she said.
I’m pretty sure I did, I said.
I don’t recall any conversation like that, she said.
Are you sure? I said. I thought I did.
Nope.
She went with her aunt to a Feldenkrais class that she teaches. I was left home alone with Dennis, my aunt’s boyfriend, Rafa the Cat, the chickens, and Bebop, a charming and friendly Guinea fowl who wanders the property.
After I finished my work for the day we went out for drinks and oysters at the Whole Foods. Sante Fe has the best Whole Foods ever. There’s a bar where you can order drinks and oysters and also a massage therapist. It’s pretty great. We ate some oysters and sliders and went back to the house, where we ate some cookies and chocolate.
We watched Jeopardy. My girlfriend is really good at Jeopardy. She’s smart — she has a master’s degree. I only went to undergrad.
We sat on the couch under the blanket. Rafa the Cat came and sat on our laps between us. He never does that, apparently. After Jeopardy, we watched a movie. I don’t remember what movie it was. Doesn’t matter. All I know is that I felt my brain tingling and vibing. That’s the only way I can describe it, just “vibing.” My lips were warm and vibing. My heart was thumping and vibing. Everything was warm and tingly and vibing. Those were some serious cookies and chocolate.
We went to bed. I lay there, vibing. Strange thoughts came to me. What if something happens and I can’t get out of bed and call 9–1–1? What if there’s a burglar and she comes into the room and I see her but I can’t physically dial 9–1–1? What if there’s an earthquake — does Sante Fe get earthquakes? — and I see the bookshelf falling on me but I can’t stop it? It just falls. What if Bebop comes into the room and starts pecking at me? What if he’s pecking at me and starts to eat me? And I can’t even move to stop him? He just eats my intestines while I watch.
I faded off to sleep.
Saturday morning we went out for a run and a bike ride. I was on the bike while my girlfriend ran. I shouted encouragements at her.
Your race, your pace!
You got this!
Nice work!
I like your style!
Go Rad go!
Your butt looks great!
Way to put one step ahead of the other and go in a straight line!
After the run we went for a smothered breakfast burrito. All this time I was on the lookout for the guy who had sat behind me on the plane. I was sure I was going to run into him in Sante Fe and when I did, I was going let him know his behavior was completely unacceptable. But we didn’t see him. We went to the Georgia O’Keefe museum and back to the house and made dinner.
Sunday afternoon. Our last day in Sante Fe before our red-eye flight back to New York City. Ten Thousand Waves Spa. That’s where I saw him. I had given up hope, but there we were in the men’s locker room next to each other getting undressed. I knew it was him because of his face. His face was just a stupid face. A blank stupid face. We were standing next to each other taking our clothes off and I could tell he didn’t recognize me. I took my time with my buttons and shoelaces. He took of all his clothes and put them in his locker and entered the digital key-code. I memorized the code in a way that was all nonchalant and casual.
He went to the showers so I went to the shower next to him. After we showered we went back to the lockers. He put his watch in the locker and left.
I dried off. After he was gone I opened his locker and took out all his stuff. I went around to a different locker and put it all in and locked it.
I went to my massage. It was great. We ate dinner. I felt pretty good.
On the flight back home he was sitting in front of me. He looked pretty surly. I guess that spa wasn’t so relaxing. I thought about jamming my knees into the back of his seat, but I’m a good person. I’m a decent person. I would never do that.
