Stuffed Animals Are My Friends

They’ve always been good to me. We go for drinks and they don’t judge, they listen, they understand. Sure, they rarely pick up the check, but true friendship is more important than money. It’s about meeting of the minds. And my mind and the minds of my stuffed animal friends are so similar and compatible.

Every friendship has it’s rocky parts though. Sometimes my stuffed animal friends go out without me. You should hang out with your girlfriend, they tell me. We didn’t want to bother you. We just wanted to go have fun.

It’s true: stuffed animals know how to party. You have no idea. Sometimes they get tired of sitting on beds and couches all day. They want to be free, they want to live, they want to go hard. I often have to bail them out of jail. And Tiger went away for a couple of years for a bar fight. But that’s what friends do, they stick together.

Which is how I found myself sitting in a car outside this bank with Tiger, Mr. Elephant, and Moosehead. We were planning on robbing the bank. We all needed the money. I was going to buy an engagement ring for my girlfriend. Tiger told us it would be an easy mark. This bank had defrauded its customers and now it was their time to be defrauded. We were doing good, actually. Tiger is very persuasive sometimes.

But I didn’t know if I could do it. Tiger told me to be a man. We went in. Tiger got shot by the security guard, his stuffing went everywhere. No, Tiger, I screamed, no Tiger.

That’s when I learned it’s important how you pick your friends.