Me and My Alone Time? We’re a Package Deal Now.

There is a moment, in every party that I go to, when I excuse myself and run straight to the restroom.
And I don’t usually do it because I actually need to go the restroom. I do it because for a few minutes, even just three, I get to be in a room all by myself. I get to take a break from interacting with the crowd.
I get to be alone.
I do this at every party I go to, without fail. It doesn’t matter whether I’m enjoying the party or not — I could be having the time of my life, making small talk with acquaintances about the project I’m doing for work, when out of the blue, a wave of unease washes over me and I suddenly feel the desperate need to be alone.
Just for a few minutes. Just for a while. Just so I can be by myself and breathe.
And then, after I’ve taken a few breaths, I go back outside and rejoin society.
I REMEMBER A FRIEND once told me that he hated being alone. In his own words, he felt “weirded out” by being alone. He always needed someone by his side, even if it was just for the walk back home.
I obviously can’t critique his prerogative. After all, people are different and need different things. What works for me may not work for him. But one thing I know for sure is that works for him definitely won’t work for me.
I actually really, really love being alone.
I love my alone time. I look forward to it like I look forward to going to Blockbuster. (Well, used to, anyway — we miss you deeply, Blockbuster!) I go on walks alone, read books alone, watch movies alone, play Disturbed Friends alone — really, anything fun I can do by myself, I probably do it alone.
And I wouldn’t say no to doing it with other people. But I also wouldn’t say no to doing it on my own.
It wasn’t always this way. I used to always need someone with me. Even when I was home alone, I would constantly communicate with someone through text or call. I always had my phone in my hand because it felt weird to not be talking to someone. In a way, I was kind of like my friend — I was weirded out by the idea of being alone.
But here’s the thing: you can’t live on company alone, the same way you can’t live on solitude alone. I was completely neglecting my time with myself because I thought that time wasn’t necessary.
But it is necessary. I had to learn that the hard way.
Being alone gives you solitude, and solitude gives you things company can’t. Solitude gives you a chance to sit with your thoughts and realize them, understand them, rationalize them in a way that leads to such necessary and important growth.
I was depriving myself of solitude, and I was the one who had to deal with the consequences.
I’ve seen the damage you can cause by not being able to spend time on your own. I’ve seen the damage you can cause when you depend on others too much. I’ve seen the damage you can cause when your desperate need for someone is the very reason that someone needs you.
It breaks you, really. It turns you into someone who hates your own company. You get mad at other people for no other reason other than the fact that they can’t always be there for you.
Sometimes, you have to be alone. Just to make sure you still can.
I understand now that sometimes, people are busy. They have lives and they’re not always going to be there for me. Honestly, I think one of the side effects of growing up is realizing so many of the quotes you grew up believing are complete bullshit.
In this case, it’s, “Your true friends will always be there for you. No matter what.”
My true friends can’t always be there for me. They have lives and careers and families of their own. They might be trying to save money and they can’t indulge in a brunch right now. They can’t put their lives on hold just because I need a shoulder to cry on.
All the same, I can’t always be there for my friends, either. There are times when I am so tired that I honestly feel saying no to plans might be the best for both of us. If I hang out with them, I might say or do something out of line.
I quite like being alone now. And I think that has a lot to do with how much I’ve learned to enjoy my own company.
Because I’m honestly the best company. I am so much fun to hang out with. When I watch a movie, I don’t ask annoying questions or steal the popcorn. I can actually read in peace without having to look up every five seconds because to answer someone’s question.
And I can even accomplish something f*cking awesome, like writing a blog post.
So I’ll continue to go to parties, to socialize, to network, because I still do genuinely enjoy the company of other people.
But me and my alone time? We’re a package deal now.
