bah

i wonder at times if i am the person who remembers everything for a reason. some people i know can forget huge swaths of their life. i envy them in that.

i always have to be against something. i am not harmonious. always have an enemy. if it’s a person or a thing or whatever. i am in constant combat.

i am holding on to things from a long time ago — things i should have moved on from. i think it might stifle me but i don’t know how to let go.

on the bus this afternoon — i thought about how far behind i am my peers. and i mean my actual peers. my friends. they are doing far better than me. i also thought that i am no better than anyone on that bus. if we all died in a bus accident i wouldn’t be singled out as the guy who has seen the films of Paul Thomas Anderson. i would just be another dead dirtbag.

it was rough today. i don’t know what it is that gets me in those moods.

i am such a screw up that at times it’s laughable. i should give myself credit for something but i don’t know what that is at the moment. just being alive isn’t good enough. it’s not enough.

i think that French Theory might have been started as a long con by Derrida and Foucault to see how much bullshit they can get American academics to say.

problematic might be the whitest word ever invented.

I slip away
 I slipped on a little white lie

We’ve got heads on sticks
 You’ve got ventriloquists

We’ve got heads on sticks
 You’ve got ventriloquists

Standing in the shadows at the end of my bed
 Standing in the shadows at the end of my bed
 Standing in the shadows at the end of my bed
 Standing in the shadows at the end of my bed

The rats and children follow me out of town
 The rats and children follow me out of town

Come on kids

you wake up. you herd the dogs. you take your pills. you get dressed. you feed the dogs. you watch five to twenty minutes of TV. you let the dogs out. you get the dog fence thing. you put the dog in the dog fence thing. you put on shoes. you put on headphones. you walk to the bus. you think on your walk to the bus how much you desperately want it to end. you aren’t sure what “it” is but in your mind you know that it is IT. you wait for the bus. you wait sometimes like today in small amount of rain. you wait sometimes with a strong north wind. you get on the bus. you get off the bus. you walk to work. you clock in. you get ice. you get a soda. you read email. you realize it’s only 715.

rinse lather repeat.

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