saying your name over and over to remember it.

we all make these plans, right? for the new year. well here is a few of my plans and other stuff —

Come on live a little” — Ferris Bueller

be less sad is the first one. sadness has been my security blanket for as long as i can remember. and i don’t know if i ever taken too much of an active role in improving. i mean when my back is against the wall i might call my therapist. but i take meds and that’s it. i cry and freak out. i don’t want to do that anymore. i have i think lost all coping skills. probably starting with quitting my job in 2009 and then feeling all this immense stress and guilt over having my mom pay my bills and not being able to get it together to keep a job. and when something bad happened i just — couldn’t deal with it. my mom went into the hospital and we thought she was going to have her leg amputated and she made it through with a few less toes but a leg. and i took that as a miracle but i did nothing with it. and i think nature or God or who or whatever doesn’t give out too many more miracles when you don’t take advantage of the ones granted to you. and then in 2014 she died. i was more settled but coping was still not there. and i am still not coping.

and people will tell you to exercise or god forbid that everyone has a bad day. yeah they do. 50,000 people a year die from having bad days too. or meditate or read the bible or go for a walk. but the thing is for so long i have been too deep in a hole to even think about doing any of those things. and it’s been especially dark in the past six weeks. my job has been hard. my relationship has been hard. i hate the term “mindfulness” because its so buzzy and i think dummies use it to sound deep — but i think it’s general principle which is to be here now is a solid philosophy. live in the moment and realize it’s fleeting. my whole thing or something i have written so many times is to not be afraid of living your life despite what might happen. i have always been afraid. yet i have done ridiculous dumb things. when i have lived — it’s all been bad. and when i haven’t — its all been bad. how do you change that??? good god.

The Cameron Frye that lives inside of me needs to kick his dads Ferrari out the window. He was a teenager. I’m almost 40. Can you still do that?

“That’s why i fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker” — Tupac

i have to lose weight. that’s so connected to my depression. the way i’ve always thought of myself as not good enough. or that people would always think of me as the fat guy. god i have worked so hard to develop a personality where i can’t just be dismissed as that. not chosen. also i am aware that someone has chosen me and yet part of me feels that’s not good enough. and it is. absoultely. my mind is so twisted up in not having confidence and thinking less of myself and it goes back to being nine and getting fat and getting picked on and just always being a fucking joke. you know? like no one was going to date me in HS. so i am losing weight for that kid. because he was a good sweet kid who needing some love and some reassurance that he was okay.

All right, you balls of pan drippings! I wanna see Crisco coming out of those pores! We’re not leaving until this Christmas ham gives me a pull-up. — The Simpsons “Kamp Krusty

I need to work out. There’s a boxing gym up the street that offers conditioning classes and i am going to take one. For real. I am going to do this. i have to. it’s another thing where i just have to do it. And it’s not a kierkegaardian leap of faith, for christsakes . it’s not a big deal. just do it. I have to recognize that it’s going to be hard. and that i cannot give up. Even though i will want to. Jesus — diligence is not my thing. If i can accomplish these things, i might enjoy my life like i want to.

“We live in a box of space and time. Movies are windows in its walls. They allow us to enter other minds, not simply in the sense of identifying with the characters, although that is an important part of it, but by seeing the world as another person sees it.” — Roger Ebert

i need to see more movies. i got this huge box set of 100 movies for like 65.00 dollars on amazon and it’s a lot of stuff i haven’t seen. i have to engage with art because i feel like it makes my brain work better. i can feel things moving around up there. seeing beauty or pain or joy. it moves me. i get so distracted by my phone and other shit. just not sitting and watching and i have to do that more. 2 movies a week. that’s my plan. I’m going to watch one today and hopefully get transported away. it’s funny how much i think things like movies can give you something you didn’t know you needed. a release. something.

“If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ‘em!” ― John Waters

I think that’s one of the truest statements and one that i wish i had said myself. I dated this girl for awhile who had the absolute worst taste in movies and TV and didn’t own a book and she was so boring sexually. I think there’s a connection there. I need to read more. I have been averaging three books a year for the past three years and that’s just sad. I was trying to count the amount of books i read when i worked at the Geology Library and it had to have been about 35 — reading makes you so smart. it’s what made me smart. tell you kids to read! and i have to read more. it makes you a better lay. that’s reason enough, no? so 12 in the year. a modest proposal — much more modest than suggesting we eat Irish babies. I have plenty of time to read at work too! all of these things have so much to do with my just being so fucking complacent. STOP DOING THAT JOEY!th

FUCK DONALD TRUMP — JOEY LYNCH

i hate him. he makes me a nervous wreck and i keep thinking back, why did so many people hate Barack Obama? Oh right — because he was black. Because what Trump has done and said if they came out of the mouth of Barack Obama — my god. Not one scandal. His children are great. His election didn’t lead to the return of the black panthers. I also thought that people were so afraid that Obama would make white people pay for all the crimes that each of us are guilty of — you might not have owned slaves, but you don’t send your kids to Oklahoma City Public Schools either now do ya? And why? Oh we know why…god and i am counting on the democrats not to fuck this up. Oh boy. It’s like they’re the Washington generals. don’t let the other team play with a ladder! that’s against the rules!! and can we please stop blaming Bernie Sanders for the loss. Hillary Clinton isn’t some great politician. She’s never won a meaningful race against a capable opponent. Rick Lazio doesn’t count. Neither does Bernie either, right? that’s what all her supporters say?

anyway — trump’s election did lead to resurgence in white nationalism. i am so glad that all these men are getting theirs. FUCK WHITE MEN. We’re the worst. MRA’s and people who say the word “cuck” and refer to themselves as alphas. Stop it you sad weirdos. But Trump won’t get me down — even when he sorta excuses Nazism in the streets of Virginia. God hopefully he doesn’t get a flu shot this year…

“Every secret of a writer’s soul, every experience of his life, every quality of his mind, is written large in his works.”
 — Virginia Woolf

Write more. everyday. or at least 30 minutes three times a week. It helps. It makes me smarter. It makes me think better. I can express what i can’t say out loud. i can work things out.

If I could see all my friends tonight
If I could see all my friends tonight
If I could see all my friends tonight
If I could see all my friends tonight — James Murphy

I must be a better friend because it will make me a better person. I love my friends so much. and i don’t want any of them to ever think i don’t. I lost a friend i hadn’t seen in a long time and i know i don’t think i could have done anything but i wish i could see him and tell him it’s gonna be okay. And this is coming from me. And just give him a hug. Tell your friend you love them. Have lunch with them. Make plans and stick to them. I am telling myself these things btw. I’d like to save money to go see some of them. In fact i just set up a google alerts for plane tickets.

I communed with mine own heart, saying, Lo, I am come to great estate, and have gotten more wisdom than all they that have been before me in Jerusalem: yea, my heart had great experience of wisdom and knowledge. And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow. — Ecclesiastics 1 16:18

I’m turning 40 this year. and i need to make some choices. am i happy here? do i have a lot more time to determine that? I need to realize that i am in control and that i need to experience more in life. and i need to be selfish and do what i need to do sometimes. and not worry. right? easier said than done.

In closing — i plan on this being a good year — it’s been a while and i feel i am due for one. Handsome as fuck. Smart as shit. Don’t knock til you knocked, ya know? MORE PLAYLISTS. MORE MUSIC LISTENING. MORE LOVE. MORE JOY. MORE PLEASURE. MORE CONFIDENCE.

Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy!

The world is holy! The soul is holy! The skin is holy! The nose is holy! The tongue and cock and hand and asshole holy!

Everything is holy! everybody’s holy! everywhere is holy! everyday is in eternity! Everyman’s an angel!

The bum’s as holy as the seraphim! the madman is holy as you my soul are holy!

The typewriter is holy the poem is holy the voice is holy the hearers are holy the ecstasy is holy!

Holy Peter holy Allen holy Solomon holy Lucien holy Kerouac holy Huncke holy Burroughs holy Cassady holy the unknown buggered and suffering beggars holy the hideous human angels!

Holy my mother in the insane asylum! Holy the cocks of the grandfathers of Kansas!

Holy the groaning saxophone! Holy the bop apocalypse! Holy the jazzbands marijuana hipsters peace peyote pipes & drums!

Holy the solitudes of skyscrapers and pavements! Holy the cafeterias filled with the millions! Holy the mysterious rivers of tears under the streets!

Holy the lone juggernaut! Holy the vast lamb of the middleclass! Holy the crazy shepherds of rebellion! Who digs Los Angeles IS Los Angeles!

Holy New York Holy San Francisco Holy Peoria & Seattle Holy Paris Holy Tangiers Holy Moscow Holy Istanbul!

Holy time in eternity holy eternity in time holy the clocks in space holy the fourth dimension holy the fifth International holy the Angel in Moloch!

Holy the sea holy the desert holy the railroad holy the locomotive holy the visions holy the hallucinations holy the miracles holy the eyeball holy the abyss!

Holy forgiveness! mercy! charity! faith! Holy! Ours! bodies! suffering! magnanimity!

Holy the supernatural extra brilliant intelligent kindness of the soul!

— Allan Ginsberg

happy new year.