this is a god dream

I have to learn how to forgive myself for quitting my full time job in 2009 without having a job lined up. I have to forgive myself for taking advantage so much of my mom during that time. i beat myself up over this three or four times a week and i don’t know how to stop. i know that if i had a job during that time it would have made her life easier. but i didn’t. and it was seven years ago and it was the biggest mistake of my life and i don’t know how to forgive myself. i always play this guessing game or what if and how if i could kept my job maybe she wouldn’t have gotten so sick. i also know that she would have gotten that way regardless. i could have moved out there with her. i didn’t want to deal with it. and i think about that. and how i could have gotten her to take her meds and eat better. and this is what i do. i run through all the scenarios in my head and they all come out with me not having done the best i could. there is nothing i can do to right this. there was an article in the washington post i read two days ago that reminded me of my mom. she wasn’t a poor person we were pretty lower middle class but she was isolated. and that’s something that makes me so sad. so much of this makes me so sad because i failed. she needed people to see her more. once she came back after her toes were removed she didn’t get out without peoples help and i think she hated that. people will help. you just have to ask. and she didn’t want to. once that happened it was pretty much over. and she lived for five more years. and they weren’t good years and my father a few weeks before he passed away told my mom that he hated his life. and he was stuck out there too. both of my parents were unhappy when they passed away. there was no warm recollections. and i doubt that happens very often actually.

she was in the room when i was born and i was in the room when she died.

i am deathly afraid of this being the best it’s going to be. i have fucked up so many opportunities. why didn’t i ever try? i have to realize that i can try now. but it’s so hard to get out of my head. i had dinner with a friend on friday and she said something about me being angry and i hope that’s not what people think about me. i am a good person dammit. and i know being angry and good aren’t mutually exclusive. and i know my friend would say that i am a good person but still — i hear the slights and even if it’s not a slight i see it that way. i push people away. i don’t ask for help either. and then i get disappointed when no one helps. and i am not getting any younger. and i have to do something quick or this is it. so many of the things i remember happened so long ago. i love myself and think man i am awesome but then so much of time is spent teeth gnashing navel gazing

you will always remember kindness. i know i do. i remember the people who thought of me when my parents died. im not easy at all. i am worth though i think.