Dear Rabbi XOX Ivankaleh
Dear Rabbi —
First, thank you so much for the mazel tov on my father’s sweep of the Mid-Atlantic States this week. I am shepping so much nachas from his success. But frankly, Rabbi, you should be too, because, as per your suggestion, I did put mezuzahs in every doorway of Trump Tower the night before the election. True, my step-mother wasn’t so thrilled. She said in Slovenia there was no such thing as mezuzahs, plus she thought the Israeli wooden ones I had chosen didn’t go well with the gilded Louis Quatorze-inspired décor. But my father intervened, saying, “Let Ivanka my Jewess do whatever Jewish stuff she wants to do. The Jews are Uuuuge! It’s not for nothing that they have disproportionately dominated Congress, the Forbes 400 and the Nobel Prize for decades!”
Isn’t my father a mensch? Frankly, I just don’t understand how people can possibly think that he, a man who is really just a big teddy bear once you get to know him, is a dangerous demagogue and a racist. A racist? Between you and me, I sometimes wonder whether if, you know, after he’s done serving as our president, he too might convert to Judaism. Do you know how frequently he asks me questions about Jewish ritual? Can Jared and I have sex on Yom Kippur, he wants to know. Can a spray tan be applied on Shabbat?
I am heading to Indiana this afternoon to help my father get ready for the primary there and while I’m thankful Jared’s mother — Bubby, as Arabella likes to call her — will be at my apartment assisting all my non-immigrant help with the kids, I’m worried about what this trip means for my observance of Passover. Specifically, I’m sure my father and I will be going to eat at his beloved McDonald’s. While my father gets the Big Macs, I just get the fries. But if the fries are cooked in corn oil, can I eat them? Jared says the Conservative movement rabbis recently ruled that Ashkenazi Jews can now eat kitniyot, or corn, rice and legumes, during the holiday. But does this ruling apply to me? And does it apply to McDonald’s French fries? Thank G-d the holiday’s ending tomorrow! And on Shabbat, no less!
Speaking of Shabbat, Jared and I are thinking of inviting our friend Wendi Murdoch for Shabbat dinner next week when I’m back in New York. Before she got divorced, we used to have her over with her husband Rupert, that media mogul who is great on Israel. But Wendi is now dating Vladimir Putin. Yes, Putin! Do you think it’s kosher to invite Putin to our home for Shabbat dinner? Or is he too much of an anti-semite?
The other day my father told The New York Times that he would like to improve relations with Russia. “Some say the Russians want to be reasonable,” he said. “I intend to find out.” As far as I’m concerned, what better way to find out than over challah, cholent and a couple of glasses of Judean Hills’ finest pinot? Do you think having Putin for Shabbat would be good for the Jews or bad for the Jews?
Finally, about this whole Ted Cruz/ Carly Fiorina together on one ticket thing. Yes, of course we know that this is just a corrupt and desperate eleventh hour bid to steal the nomination from my father. But nonetheless, and especially given the whole unfortunate “woman card” flap this week, do you think I should encourage my father to do Cruz one better by announcing that he has chosen a running mate who is not only a woman, but a Jew?
Jared thinks I should go for it — not just encourage my father to choose a Jewish woman, but encourage him to choose, well, me. Considering what a boon I’ve been to his image, what do you think, Rabbi? Should I go for it? L’chaim to making America great again!
Yours in Torah study,
Xox Ivankaleh
