Finding The “One” Is A Fantasy
Probably the biggest illusion of all. Which causes disillusions, which is the best thing that can happen to you, the detachment from the illusion, so you can connect to reality, which if you see clearly, it’s always richer and better in so many ways than getting married and being together for the rest of your life.
The idea that you’ll one day meet that ONE extraordinary special magical person that understands you, loves you and desires you like nobody else is an emotional protection reaction from the brain to separate you from the inner and outer conflicts you face. The idea of finding the “one” and both of you creating forever your own little world, is like the little girl that played with her dolls retrieved from everything that exists.
Someone has to simply say it:
GET OVER IT.
You’re not going to find that one masculine strong, centered, passionate, super productive, loving, loyal, attractive, adventurous man that fits all your rules, and vice versa with women and all the qualities that one wants her to have. Not because incredible people don’t exist, they do. But because in life there’s more than pleasure. Life, the universe and God care about one thing and one thing only, that you grow. That you stretch. Because the more you grow and stretch (and the most effective way to do that is through pain and challenges) the more you can give value back to life. Life wants you to feed more of life. You’re not here for free. That’s the price you must pay for each day that you live. And if you get out of your fucking head and look beyond your fantasies and rules and limiting beliefs, it’s totally worth it. And it’s the only way it can be. Your job is to learn, grow and stretch until the point of enjoying that which is painful and challenging. And ones you achieve that, realizing that there’s always another level, so you’ll always get more pain and more challenges. Yes, for the rest of your life. And your job is always to change more and more of your rules and beliefs, so you can enjoy more and more of everything that life is offering to you, not judging, complaining, or feeling entitled to have a relationship with no pain where you don’t have to grow and stretch. I’m sorry, that’s not gonna happen. You will never find that. These are not my ideas, this is nature, biology. Study your body, study history, study people, study anything and if you pay enough attention you’ll realize how things actually work. And it’s awesome.
This doesn’t mean stay in the same relationship forever just because you started it or because what others will think of you. No. You must learn to grow and appreciate everything, but know when to continue directly in a relationship and when to go in “different” directions. Wether you’re a man or a woman, you must be more like a scientist and an investor and observe and be very honest. What percentage of the other person do you really like o even love? What percentage do you not? And what’s most important for you? What truly has more impact in your life? The percentage that you like or the percentage that you don’t like?
When people feel they’ve found the “one”, sooner or later get some surprises (problems). They hit a wall with a behavior or a way of thinking of their partner that they didn’t expect and now they think of ending the relationship or conditioning it or that someone “out” there must have 100% of the things that we want. They start obsessively focusing on the 2 things they don’t like and not on the 8 that they do, and it causes them daily pain and conflicts. Because whenever someone pays more attention to what they’re “missing” or what’s not “right”, they’re destined for disaster. And that is a pattern that they will repeat again and again with future partners, just like they have done in the past, until they realize the reality, that every person will have things that their rules have determined are acceptable and things that their rules have determined are unacceptable and that that makes it perfect for the grandeur purpose of our relationships. To grow, to become more open, more compassionate, more detached but more connected, more truly loving and more free of fears and insecurities.
There is no reason to be like most people, the masses. If it doesn’t feel right to be with someone, then don’t. Don’t waste your time. Go get some “pain” and challenges in a different direction without the illusion of finding someone you’ll always like completely and become a masterful student of life. But if down deep, you do want to be with someone, and they want to be with you, then focus way way way more on the 6, 7, 8 or 9 things that you do like or love from each other and not on the 4, 3, 2 or 1 thing you don’t. It’s called being smart. Even wise. Train your overprotective brain to calm and cool the fuck down. And even take it to another masterful level and find the “good” in the “bad”. Find the power in the things you don’t like. Remember that whatever you look for with enough intention of finding, you find. Always. Always. Always.
Originally published at myrealdating.com on May 16, 2017.