The Room

Putting yourself out there is kind of hard honestly. I realize that when I write this stuff and post it for everyone to see, I almost feel a bit more vulnerable. I’ll post this link as an fb status and get a few likes and comments here and there from friends who I know care or are at least somewhat interested in my life.

But what about everyone else?

What about all of you who read this and don’t give me that hit of notification dopamine? I know you’re in here. Medium tells me how many people read this. So what the hell are you all thinking? Is this fun? Is this chill? Are you thinking “Yes, another post!” or “Boy do I wanna see what this weirdo’s got today.” or “Damn, I’m bored as hell and don’t have anything else better to do.” It’s definitely something I wonder about. Which reminds me that this is an exercise in self-confidence as much as it is just a fun little thing to do.

Through this lifeless internet page, made of 0’s and 1’s zipping around the ether, I try my best to establish a real, human connection with you. I explain to you how I think, because I believe that articulating the nuances of your thought process is wearing your heart on your sleeve, even more so than being open about your feelings.

Feelings seem inherently reactionary. You feel in response to events that unfold, in response to the world acting on you. But your thought process better describes your agency — how you act on the world. Feelings are so easily relatable that they’re actually a bit cold. Everyone has felt happy, sad, jealous, excited, totally fucked, etc. People share the same reactions to the different things that happen to them. Sadness from loss can come from your pet dying or the end of a relationship. You’ve lost such different things, but your tears still taste the same.

Your thought process is so intimate because it captures who you are, not just how you are, if that makes sense. If our feelings are the common destinations we arrive at, then our thought processes are the unique paths we take to get there. The purpose of this blog is to let you walk in my shoes.

As I express the depths of my thoughts, there will be a lot of perspectives and opinions you won’t agree with. My tone will sometimes rub a lot of you the wrong way. You get an in to some of the deepest parts of who I am, but as a result I may supply you with more reasons to dislike me. And sure, there’s a part of me that’s like “yeah if you dislike me then fuck you anyway.” But even then, I’m still like everyone else. Social pressure affects us all enough to filter the things we say based on who’s in the room.

So I guess the reason I’ll be this open is because I think of this as my room. Where I get to decorate the walls. Where I get to control the lighting. Where I get to cultivate a specific kind of energy. Vibes, Riley. Vibes. In my last post I said you could leave any time and I wouldn’t be sad. But I realized that wasn’t totally honest.

The truth is I want everyone to come visit my room. Even the people I dislike. Especially the people who dislike me. For some reason I want us all to hang out and kinda just chill here for a bit, before returning to our lives. Here’s some music to set the mood.

It’s loud. The air’s crisp. There’s a dim, soft blue. I’m dancing. Feel free to join.