This Blog is Back
I’ve taken too long of a break from writing.
10 months maybe? Not sure. I could look it up but I’d rather not. As a wannabe productivity machine who’s ashamed of every flickering moment of laziness, I feel compelled to assure you the break was well due.
After starting my Youtube channel, I let it permeate into every aspect of my day. Wake up, camera on. New brewery, camera on. Get 4 stars from an Uber passenger, camera on. The vlog swallowed my life whole.
Although I knew I’d spend most of my time vlogging, I originally thought I’d leave some time to keep this blog going. But it quickly became unsustainable. I felt I needed to dive headfirst into the video medium — to give it my all and really figure it out. I like to justify it by telling myself it was a necessary step in finding my voice. But more accurately, I think I was just getting used to how annoying it can be. I do love it though. Sometimes.
Video enables self expression in ways that are impossible through writing. It’s illuminated nuances in my outlook by showing how I react to the world, which is to be trusted more than my own statements about my views. It’s let me show off the cringey depths of my humor, which is pretty difficult to do in this blog. It’s also made me more self aware about my habits and mannerisms, which can often be painfully constructive.
I could go on, but I think you get it. It’s amazing, and I see myself making videos for a long time. And yet, I’ve been feeling stale as of late. The intense daily vlog grind has stifled my creativity in other areas, and has forced me to realize its limitations.
Talking off the cuff on camera doesn’t let me explore ideas very deeply. In fact, most of the time it’s hard to take anything I say seriously because I’m often trying and failing to be funny. But even when I’m serious on camera, speaking well about abstract concepts is still extremely difficult. My attempts at handling heftier topics always devolve into tangential ramblings.
Writing lets me present my thoughts with clarity, cohesion, and force. When I publish blog posts, particularly the argumentative ones, I’m often thinking “Go ahead, disagree. Debate me. Come at me.” I feel like I’m standing, chest out, ready for onslaught. But when I post videos, my first instinct is to hide.
Because at its core, my Youtube channel is a meek offering of sorts. There are no confident assertions to agree or disagree with. It is purely a thing to be judged. Boring or entertaining, funny or not funny, stupid or wise. And so it pries me open like nothing else.
Back when I started this blog, I thought writing about my thoughts and feelings was brave. I still think it is, but it’s nothing compared to the vlog. I have never felt more naked and vulnerable than on camera, fumbling over my words, self conscious about how I sound, and perpetually insecure about my appearance. But to know that every time I cringe at myself and get over it, I grow more comfortable in my own skin. To know that I’m improving — to actually watch it happening, is glorious.
The trynachill channel presents a more casual and playful facet of my personality, but I think I’ve become too singularly immersed in that version of myself. There’s a lot more to develop. A lot more to explore.
It’s time to write again. Because when I write, I feel myself sharpening. I feel like I’m cultivating raw power. Sometimes I even feel invincible. And I have to admit, I missed that a lot. So here we are.