There’s something appealing about living life on this edge, this razor…most of the time. I’d rather live this life than any other (except for maybe a couple really cool people I admire). This time, I do not have any desire to end it all, and that’s not why I’m checking into rehab at 5:30pm tomorrow.
I am not emotionally upset this time. There is no water running in the bathtub with razors nearby, this time. Yet nonetheless, some kinda madness seems to have swallowed me whole. Well, not some…booze, again. And not whole, not this time…
Not today Satan…not today. (You cock gargler)
At 5:30pm tomorrow, I check into the rehab facility. I don’t know if I’ll tell them I never want to do this drunk think again, or tell them I never really want to live a life of sobriety. It all depends on how honest I’m going to be, which is yet undecided.
Here’s the goddamn rub (there always is one).
I do not want a life of sobriety. I have repeatedly tried it, and it bores the living fuck out of me. I thought I could fill those empty spaces, once filled with an ounce of that, an ounce of that, with …what, fucking AA meetings? Concentrating on how we shouldn’t do something so we don’t do it? Trying to tell other people not to get fucked up when I wished they’d pass the glass?
It’s pretty clear how that worked for me, and it’s not the path I choose, or chose. Regardless of the consequences, long term, short term, with friends, with health, with family, with society….this is me. When I was in first grade, my counselor asked me why I kept jumping off balconies.
“Why wouldn’t I? It’s boring to do it the way my parents do, going down the elevator”
* I’m peeling the skin off my face
* Cause I really hate being safe
* The normals, they make me afraid
* The crazies, they make me feel sane
(Melanie Martinez, Mad Hatter)
I just need to chill the fuck out. I need the physical addiction gone so I can function, and I need to hope that I haven’t boned myself this round by making this permanent.
I’ve had an amazing nearly 40 years, and I’m not really super into dying early. I’m also not super into living long. That’s not what this binge has been about, though, so everyone chill out.
I just don’t enjoy normal. Sorry, normies. You are boring to me. I will be boring for a bit, but it’s all for the rest, all for the best. For the moment. :)