The World is Yet Again A Bigger Place than I Expected

Imagine growing up in a forest where all the trees are slanted 15° from vertical, all in the same direction. As a young sapling, you can tell something is off, because gravity’s indicator of “up” is at odds with whatever is the cause of all your fellow trees’ consistent deviation from it. You can’t explain it, you resist the lean as much as you’re able, until one day you’re a grown tree and you watch a pine cone fall off your top and land about a quarter of your height away from you in the same direction all the trees you grew up with leaned toward.

And then, in a moment of clarity, seeing there’s a whole pile of them. Oof.

I found a pattern where I was attaching emotionally to a potential outcome, and then doing stuff to make it happen, before it was an actual outcome. I know from plenty of experience this is a fantastic way to make sure my desired outcome does not happen, particularly when it matters a lot and involves other people who then feel like their contribution is being circumvented or ignored. With support I’ve been able to work through a huge chunk of this pattern, and that puts me in a weird spot.

I know that when one of us humans shift a particularly influential pattern in our life that not having it calls into question who we are. I’ve felt this before, but not quite on this scale. I find it simultaneously refreshing and intimidating at the same time. I don’t know who I am without this pattern. And I get to meet me — the me that was buried under this pattern — for the first time!

I’m exhausted. I have no idea how I’m going to make rent in 13 days. And part of me is at peace that hasn’t been for as long as I can remember, and that seems like much smaller problem than it ever has before.

If you’re interested in joining a group to discuss this topic and explore what this can mean in your own life, come join my Leveling Up: Exploration group.