Life’s Little Covert Operations Manual
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The following document officially isn’t a collection of advice and observations on how to live a successful and fulfilling life as an intelligence officer. Especially not a CIA intelligence officer (and in particular, not a CIA intelligence officer who officially doesn’t conduct covert action as directed by the president).
I can neither confirm nor deny that the ideas in this book may also be useful to non-intelligence officers … primarily because I can neither confirm nor deny that ‘non-intelligence officers’ exist.
It is recommended that you deny having read this book, especially if you do not read this book. However, if you do read this book, it is recommended that you acknowledge having read this book, so that hostile counterintelligence forces will assume you couldn’t possibly be an intelligence officer since an intelligence officer presumably would never admit to having read this book.
This book will not self-destruct in five seconds. On the contrary, this book is already blowing up as we speak.
To my fellow intel officers. You know who you officially aren’t.
*
Life is just another cover stop.
Each of us has within ourselves something unique, something that defines who we are, something that enables us to be located, verified and tracked remotely.
Never assume you’re at the right briefing, no matter how long you’ve been standing there talking.
HUMINT is like truffles: it’s expensive, to get it requires digging up dirt, and you spend a lot of time working with pigs.
Diplomats drink while talking. Ops officers talk while drinking.
As a CIA official, sometimes you have to tell policymakers in Congress what they don’t want to hear.
… For example, that you accidentally backed into several of their cars while parking.
What’s called top secret is usually a secret about a bottom.
There are fewer things too strange to happen, than things too strange not to.
Covert action is diplomacy carried to its logical confusion.
Never let a member of a foreign intelligence service get you drunk. Get drunk before you meet with them.
If you find two listening devices in your hotel room, disable one.
Never dodge a question. Save your strength for dodging answers.
Don’t carry grudges. Help grudges become stronger and more self-sufficient by encouraging them to walk by themselves.
He who fights and runs away
May live to fight another day
But he whose foe to flee does pay
Shall get promoted at CIA
If she wears lingerie under her body armor, date her. If she wears body armor under her lingerie, buy her a diamond ring.
There’s no limit to what you can accomplish if you have the right mine set.
SpookSpeak. Lunch mole n. A person attending a conference who, when the speaker asks if anyone has a question before the group breaks for lunch, does.
Do not be a lunch mole.
To verify what a deputy assistant undersecretary confides to you, recruit the president of the country.
‘Diplomatic mission’ is an oxymoron.
November 13th is World Kindness Day. November 16th is International Day for Tolerance. Trust me, you do NOT want to confuse them.
When they say ‘He has all the makings of a future star,’ it usually means he’s a dense, nebulous accumulation of dust and gas.
Money is the recruit of all evil.
The greatest benefit of stopping sex trafficking: getting caught in the middle of a sex traffick jam.
We’re all divorced from reality. The only question is whether you’re paying alimony or receiving it.
A nondisclosure agreement goes without saying.
Officially not knowing is three-fourths the battle.
It’s said that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something. And if you practice good tradecraft, that something can be you.
From brilliant military strategist, to America’s first president, to world-class whiskey distiller, the career of George Washington was marked by continuous improvement.
All dating is carbon dating.
I never met a man I didn’t mic.
How to Avoid Missing the Point
1. Using your non-trigger hand to guide your shotgun barrel, aim at a position just behind the point.
2. Sweep the barrel through the point’s path as the point moves across your field of vision.
3. As soon as your barrel passes in front of the point, squeeze the trigger.
Dress to impress, access, possess and egress.
We can never clean up after ourselves, we can only clean up during ourselves.
Remember, vast government conspiracies create jobs.
Just ’cause it ain’t secret, don’t mean you can’t leak it.
E = SL:(
Energy equals staff times the speed of life scared.
The foot is nobler than the shoe. But the shoe is nobler than the clown shoe.
Whether or not you’re topless depends on what you consider your top.
Delusion is believing you work for the CIA when you don’t. Illusion is believing you don’t work for the CIA when you do.
Judge people by the color of their skin, but in infrared.
Avoid those who attempt to establish dominance in relationships by diminishing the self-worth of others. If they’re not willing to commit to diminishing your self-worth exclusively, you need to move on.
When following your bliss, watch out for the old jump-on-the-metro-to-lose-surveillance trick.
Given a choice between two evils, that’s already three.
If you hire a change management consultant, be aware that you may be expected to pay for the diapers.
There are no intelligence successes, only intelligence failures gone wrong.
Every man and woman is a spy agency of one.
Just because it’s thrown into the burn bag doesn’t mean it ends up in the furnace.
Safe house, dangerous bedroom.
After you dig up the dirt, put it back in the hole.
Learn to recognize those who are thin-skinned. And even more importantly, those who are thick-exoskeletoned.
When baring your teeth, the effect is more impressive if they’re in your mouth.
Don’t tell people “Tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today” today. Prepare today and tell them tomorrow.
You don’t recruit assets to tell you their secrets, you recruit them to tell you yours.
If success is a state of mind, that explains why Washington is a federal district.
Avoid security services that define ‘current intelligence’ in terms of amperes.
Dress in a martini, sip on a tuxedo.
Your genitals refer to your head as ‘up there,’ with equal embarrassment.
In every obstacle there’s ‘tacos.’ This fact helps remind us that, even when facing life’s difficulties, it’s important to take time to enjoy wholesome, good-tasting food.
If it can dream you, it can do you.
Body armor is body amor!
If you’re a prisoner of conscience, try creating a distraction, then make a run for it while your conscience is looking the other way.
Keep your ear to the ground, and the rest of you underneath it.
The wisdom of coming in from the cold depends entirely on what’s waiting for you inside.
Always make sure your throwaway agents are biodegradable.
Taking fish oil to improve brain function may not hurt you, but remember it didn’t help the fish.
By the time they get to the victor, the spoils are usually spoiled.
Don’t refer to employees as ‘resources,’ refer to them as people. The word ‘people’ contains 3 less characters, which saves on data storage costs.
The situation aspires to its intelligence estimate.
Never be afraid to stand up for what you believe in. If people get angry, you can always pretend you were just standing to stretch.
Don’t be partial to vested interests. Lingeried interests, that’s another story.
Love opens doors where there were only walls — not unlike a shaped demolition charge employed by special paramilitary forces.
If the source is bleeding, it’s OSINT by definition.
Specializing in flaps and seals: excellent. Specializing in feels and slaps: not so much.
Never update the CIA World Factbook until after you’ve updated the world.
Not only is life too short, it has acne and looks geeky in gym clothes.
There may be no I in team, but there’s definitely a why in CYA.
Always begin a meeting by setting expectations. Preferably on stun.
All I need to recruit an asset is a briefcase full of money and a beautiful woman (and maybe something for the asset).
The problem with the Peter Principle is that it assumes somebody somewhere is competent to begin with.
Who waxes indignant shall buff resigned.
All SCIFs are sexy. Some sex is SCIFy.
Always write your eyewash so that you’re covered in case it becomes true.
Fear only motivates in the short term. Fortunately, the long term can be thought of as an infinite series of short terms.
Alone we can do nothing, but not as much nothing as we can do together.
It’s no secret that there’s too much classification in government — it’s actually TOP SECRET//ORCON//NOFORN.
‘Motivational speaker’ is an oxymoron.
If the first wealth is health, the first health is stealth.
Some countries have defectors. Most countries are defectors.
If someone asks you your position on intelligence reform, avoid referencing the Kama Sutra.
The phrase ‘keep ’em honest’ implies you want ’em honest in the first place.
If you have a cut-out work for you, you have your work cut out for you.
A man or woman is truly successful to the extent he or she dedicates himself or herself to a life serving others or otherettes.
‘Meeting in the gap’ is a preferred commo method, depending on the security environment.
… And/or depending on the gap.
Rumor shared, rumor squared.
Uncleared, and cleared for nothing, are not the same.
When you recruit an asset, you recruit the sum of that person’s experiences, beliefs and behaviors, several of which may expect to be paid too.
Count your enemy’s chickens before they hatch, then triple that number.
SpookSpeak. Lover from another cover n. A former romantic interest from a previous intelligence operation in which one employed a different alias.
The downside of wearing a tin foil hat: your mind can’t control the satellite either.
Trust is the epoxy of relationships — sniff it at your own risk.
The fact that a target is not worth recruiting doesn’t mean that target is worth not recruiting.
Every dog has its day, but does any dog know this?
A story with legs usually involves legs with a story.
Reason too can dance. It just always dances the robot.
The truth is not to be feared, only fumigated for.
If the shoe fits, tell them you’re from the CIA and you’ll need their clothes too.
Say what you will about zombies, at least they get out and walk every day.
Before swallowing your pride, chew it 32 times.
Always act accordion to your conscience.
When John le Carré said blackmail was more effective than bribery, he was paid off.
The disguise is the blessing.
A lot of counterintelligence goes a short way.
The real mystery isn’t what’s under the redaction mark, but what’s above it.
Every exit strategy is an entrance strategy to somewhere else.
When transforming the political landscape, remember that manure makes the best fertilizer.
The philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein said “Everything that can be said can be said clearly.” But I think we know what he meant.
Treasure every moment with those you love. You never know when you’ll stop loving them.
It’s not casual sex if you’re really focused on doing it well.
The crunchy taco shall become soft, the soft taco crunchy.
While breastfeeding is not objectionable in itself, be aware that breasts tend to swarm and can create a nuisance when fed in public places.
Whoever said “You can’t kill a terrorist with a calculator” clearly lacked a working knowledge of C-4.
Do not meddle in the affairs of drag queens, for you are hunky and would look good in stirrups.
We all get a little crazy now and then. The rest of the time we get big crazies.
As the French would say, ‘Les Français ne diraient jamais ‘Comme diraient les Français.’’
Policy is the best dishonesty.
You don’t terminate an asset for deceiving you, you terminate them for failing to.
If the other guy’s deep-underground facility is deeper than your deep-underground facility, make your deep-underground facility more facilitative.
Spaiku
To leave one’s footprints
On the sands of time: is this
Not lousy tradecraft?
The true measure of your character is what you would do if you knew you couldn’t be found out. The true measure of your ability is whether you succeed in making this situation happen.
Get others to do unto other others as those other others would have those others do unto you.
There’s less than 2% method in the madness, and only about 6% madness. The rest is fillers, preservatives, and artificial coloring.
‘Stop, drop and roll’ works for way more situations than just being on fire.
There are plenty of seas in the fish.
All directed energy is a weapon.
What an elephant never forgets isn’t worth knowing in the first place.
We’re fools whether we dance or not — so why get all sweaty?
If you can choose your battles, it’s not a real war.
The fact that dropped toast always lands buttered side down would be a blessing if you kept your floor covered in marmalade.
If it fits inside a frame, it isn’t the big picture.
To actually know one’s ass from a hole in the ground is to appreciate that the difference is mostly cosmetic.
The whimper is louder than the bang.
In the surveillance detection route of life, the surveillant we seek to detect is us.
Sometimes escape velocity is a negative number.
My biggest regret as an ops officer? The agents I didn’t recruit. I wish there’d been a hell of a lot more of them.
It’s the end of days somewhere.
The lessons-never-learned review is way more useful.
Ninety-nine percent of success is nobody knowing you showed up.
The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth — though not necessarily in that order.
The world needs more heroes — its soup is tasting a little thin.
Be your own conspiracy theory.
