The Bureaucratic Heaven.

“I am in deep shit”. I think to myself sitting on a bench, some waiting room in the heavens flanked to my left and right some sort of medalled up dictator to my right some innocent looking black gentleman whistling and humming some in some cheerfull mood. We are waiting for our assessment of our sins and if we have the “right attitude” or “right stuff” for heaven, or as the brochure says on one of the various tables, there is coffee and donuts for some reason and gladly get up and pour a cup and take a bite for the delicious “heavenly” doughnuts. I get my cup and donut and sit back in my seat, I turn to look up to see the number above the administration cubicle manned by the same old lady nurse one sees at every hosptal. “Now serving 26" read on the red light display not unlike one you would see at a grocery store deli counter. I did not know what number I was, but was relieved that 26 was probably closer than I thought but longer than I hoped. The dictator seemed serene with no sort of worry on his face, he took the time to clean up his uniform adjusting every crease, even thought to discard some medals he knew he was not worthy of. He noticed my examination quickly turned and frowned disapprovingly at me. “They don’t have shit on me, they annointed the oil before I went and I recieved Last Rites, they don’t have a prayer.” I turned and chuckled at the irony, but he was quite serious. I started to feel like we were in some overbooked, overrun City Court with some poor public defender on the hook for five hundred souls a day, he probably wished he were in Hell where the accused were guaranteed a quick and speedy trial. I turned to my whistling, joyous man next to me “You try the coffee and doughnuts yet?” trying to start a conversation. “No, sir the only food I need is everlasting light of the Lord that is all I need Praise Jesus Halleluja”! His response came out affectionately, but also a snobbish tone like he was the only one getting into heaven today. “What are you in here for young man? Are you ready to put yourself at the feet of the Lord?!” I stared up the ceiling trying to get all the facts together, buy some time for dramatic affect. “Well, I was trying to plug in my TV to play a video game and there was a short in the wire, I get shocked and Boom Goes the Dynamite”. “Well I guess it was your time to go then Huh son?” he turned back facing forward not trying to get back into his mantra of pure joy for his shoe-in acceptance into heaven. “Yeah, I’m really hoping there is some appeals process, maybe I’m not fully dead yet maybe there is still time to recussitate me or something, but you know heres hoping.” I could see that he had stopped listening and I turn to face the floating cloud wall and back into my thoughts. Suddenly, I started to have a sensation like I had to go to the bathroom. “Why the hell do I have to go the bathroom?” I thought to myself, where to go? Who to ask, none of these guys will be of any help. I run to the cubicle, the nurse away doing something, I stand awkwardly for a few more moments feeling the intense urge to go to the bathroom like being stuck in a car on vacation and no gas station for miles and my dad turning back angrily telling me to hold it in. My worry was cut short by the return of the nurse, looking down at the floor trying to not make eye contact with me. “How may I help you young man?” she uttered not looking up at me just fumbling through a notepad of appointments and notes. “Uh, I know this probably sounds silly but do you have a bathroom I can use?” “Sorry sir there’s a bathroom, but its employees only” she shot back a grim look then shooting herdevil eyes back down to her stupid notepad. A fear I never contemplated before overcame me as I went to sit back down. I could just piss somewhere in this room but would that make me look, I piss on their floor before the biggest interview of my past life. A moment of clarity happend and remember the coffee it’s palate clearing, bowel clearing, bladder clearing power had suddenly put me in a very precarious predicament. I paced back and forth a couple times trying to concentrate on not wetting myself. I take a big breath and lean against the sky cloud wall and suddenly fall back, like I fell out of plane the feeling of going to the bathroom faded and all of a sudden I blink and I am in a bathroom. “My prayers have been answered”! I run to the nearest stall and try to undo my belt, but remembering due to manufacturing deficiencies the hook that was supposed to go through the various holes in the belt was too big and would get stuck at the very end of the hole not coming out like some sort of sick chinese finger trap belt. I pull harder and harder almost trying to rip the belt off, I take a breath and try to “think thin” as I pull again finally freeing myself. The expression on my face was of pure join when I finally got to expell an ocean of urine, the kind of expression one gets late at a bar going to the bathroom. I went and went and went and went until the last drops petered out I spent extra time getting the last few drops just to make sure. I step back and walk away, the urinals for of course auto flush I turn right to go wash my hands when all of a sudden a flash of light and smoke like a bad magicians trick happends by the wall in front of me. I stand in awe and some fear as a figure suddenly appears out of the smoke and haze, I cannot make out the figure, but he is coughing and weezing desperately. The smoke clears after a few moments and I am face to face with some man, some form of modern male with the long hair with bun with beard, flannel shirt buttoned but low enough to expose chest hair, pants rolled up to make some sort of quasi capri, he wore it well I had to admit. We looked at each other for a moment, he seemed confused. “Um, I’m afraid this is for employees only” the man passively chides me. “Well I didn’t mean to come in here, but I really had to go.” “Nah, man its all good just dont tell anyone about this place” the man sputters out in a low voice walking by me. He suddenly turned around after a moment of thought, “you aren’t one of those guys that are going to trap me in here and scream at me about the horrors of the world right” He inquired.”Well no but I mean are you someone that handles that sort of job?” He gave me a look like a confused dog, like he was speaking to the dumbest person on Earth. I guess after a milennia of recognition Jesus Christ probably would’ve assumed everyone knew who he was. He squared his face up and fumbled over his response. “You know I’m Jesus right”? I suddenly realized, but i never liked to assume anything so i tried to play it off. “Yeah I knew it was you i was just fuckin’ with you, I mean pardon my language.” “No it’s ok man”. We kind of stood there for a moment not knowing what to say, he was probably thinking about how an asshole I was for not recognizing him. “So, how do I get out of here”? He turned half listening and turned the faucet on and splashed his face and beard a couple times. “Oh I’ll show you, but first.” Then Jesus suddenly pulls out a little glass piece and started to pile some marijuana into it. I’m taken aback but smile at the thought that I always knew Jesus would be a cool guy like this. “Hey man don’t tell my dad about this ok? Where not even supposed to have this shit up here, only meant for heaven tenants only.” I decide now with an aquaintance with Jesus maybe he could help my cause. “Yeah if you put in a good word for me maybe I can forget about this.” He smiled looking upward like he knew I was going to say that. “Hey man, don’t worry about it the acceptance into heaven has been so watered down lately they just about let everyone in my dad is just not as angry as he used to be, he’s sort of at that “I dont give a shit” age. He passed the piece over, slightly lit and I inhaled a big puff and exhaled probably doing it wrong as I usually did. “Good shit” I responded the stuff hit hard and early and after a few moments I was back in the waiting room. The number had gone from 26 to 24 and I could see that the other two gents were gone so that must mean I was next. I sit back down this time at the table there were some delicious peanut butter cookies with macadamia nuts, I grab two and sit down with a joyfully high grin. I munch on the cookies rather quickly eating both in under two bites each. Suddenly the nurse comes out and directs me through the door. We zig zag through hallways and hallways all with doors with tiny windows like walking down the hall of a high school. Each room was full of people waiting to talk to the singular suited defender. After a few moments I am led to a door, a smaller room than the others I saw, almost like an interrogation room. “Why is mine different?” I tried to ask before the nurse hurredly scampered back to her cubicle. “Shit”. I take a deep breath exhale and enter the room, a sudden fear arises starting in small of my back going up and up then jumpstarting a feeling of worry in my stomach. I feel like I am in a doctor’s office readying myself for bad news. There is a folding chair and card table set up in this tiny room, sit down and clasp my sweating palms in sort of a prayer stance ready to throw myself and beg for forgiveness. After some time someone finally comes in, once again another administrator carrying a bunch of file folders and such not making eye contact with me he begins with a dry “Mr. Davidson, how are we doing today.” Ugh, just the tone of this man sounds like a uncaring overworked doctor that’s just piled through patient files he cannot discern, diagnosing, misdiagnosing, only hoping for his shift to get over so he can leave, and go to the Bahamas leaving many manic and worried patients in the dark for a week or two. “I’m doing alright.” I meekly respond. “He sets the giant folder down and starts perusing through some papers, it seemed like he skimmed the beginning going straight to the middle all the while uttering various “hmms” and “hummmms” while leaving me in utter terror. Some moments pass and he finally makes it to the end and verbalizes the last few sentences “person shocked trying to plug in TV to play video games.” He then utters a loud “Welp” then proceeds with “Mr. Davidson I regret to inform you that we are at capacity this fiscal year, you do meat the criteria somewhat, but like I said there will be a waiting period. We have two options for from looking at your dossier here you are not completely dead yet you can have the option of being resuscitated and going on your merry way or we can put you in one of our other environs, not as sunny as heaven but it’ll do till we can accomidate you in the near future. I let out a loud breath of relief “Hell, yeah put me back down there.” “You sure?” the man asks suprised by my response. “Yeah you’re at capacity, I’m not ready yet lets just get me back down there.” We both stand up and he goes to shake my head “Alright, well it was a pleasure…” He starts to sniff before the handshake is made. He gives a grimace and fires a shot of pure indignation back at me “Have you been with my son?” My face goes pale, “What the fuck do I say?” I can’t lie to god, but I assume he can hear this conversation. “Yeah, I ran into him in the bathroom”. He calms a bit and says “You are aware that our bathrooms are employee only right”? I composed myself and said “Yes, he made me aware of that”. After a long pause “Was he smoking dope down there?” Once again caught in a jam, I should’nt rat Jesus out like that. “I’m not sure, I only interacted with him for a moment”. He looked me up and down and maybe detected the lie, but he understood. We finally shook hands and he uttered with a grin “ ‘Till next time.” Suddenly I jump awake surrounded by paramedics, a barking dog, a group of hysterical people suddenly overcome with glee as the epi shot catapults me back into my faculties. The paramedic shining a little flashlight in my eye “Sir do you know what happend to you”? With a foggy head I respond “Not the slightest”. “You were electrically shocked and we had to resuscitate you, we’re going to take you to the hospital for the night. They load me into the ambulance my confusion metamorphosed into a splitting headache, the IV drip and oxygen mask lull me into a sense of bewilderment and as we drive off into the black.