Things I Wish People Had Told Me About Turning 30

John Bilancini
Nov 1 · 3 min read

I just turned 39, and the entirety of my 30s has been an unceasing hellscape. It didn’t have to be this way. There are so many things about turning 30 that people don’t tell you, and had I known about them the last 9 years would have gone much more smoothly. It’s too late for me, but maybe by sharing this I can make that decade of their lives a little easier for future generations:

  • You learn to appreciate the calming moments, like combing your hair in the mirror each morning. You say a silent thank you for still having a thick, full head of hair. Your reflection replies, “you’re welcome, sweet thing,” with an eyebrow raise. You stumble backwards out the door as your reflection shouts after you, “come back and calm yourself anytime, baby!” You do think that the eyebrow thing was pretty cool.
  • You grow a tail. Seriously, a tail. It doesn’t appear to do anything. Maybe other people have discovered a use for it, I haven’t. I’m pretty sure this is why a lot of people switch from skinny to relaxed fit jeans.
  • You’ll be recruited by the Russian mob to pull off a targeted hit in a St. Petersburg subway station. Let me tell you, the bar scene and office jobs in my 20s did not prepare me at all to exchange small arms fire with two bodyguards for a Ukranian dissident. All I’m saying is maybe give a guy a heads up? I’ve heard of “flirty thirties” but “assassinate the head of the Ukraine-Forward party thirties?” Talk about fake it until you make it.
  • You will make contact with an extraterrestrial. You are awed by its majesty and the vastness of the universe. It is unimpressed by you. The extraterrestrial wipes your memory and reveals itself to your most handsome and successful friend instead.
  • The Angel of Death starts visiting while you lie in bed at night, just to mess with you. “Not tonight,” it says, “or is it?” Then it laughs and laughs. The Angel of Death has an unexpectedly annoying laugh. A lot of snorting.
  • You will lose a $10 million first around the world race sponsored by a reclusive and eccentric billionaire when your dopey but lovable sidekick mixes up motor oil and cooking oil. You will nearly die after eating motor oil chicken stir fry. Your sidekick will remark, “I made a whoopsie,” which becomes a meme and he will then be invited to join Dancing With the Stars, where he accidentally drops his dance partner into a pit filled with rusty nails.
  • You will discover that a protein not typically associated with human consumption is delicious and will make it a major part of your diet. I’m not permitted to tell you what it is, but I can say that it’s not koala.
  • You will reconnect with your very first grade school crush. The two of you hit it off and it seems like you’re headed towards getting romantically involved until your crush tries to recruit you to pull off a targeted hit on the new head of the Ukraine-Forward Party.
  • You will eventually get somebody to explain to you what a 401k is. You still won’t sign up for one.

Good luck! Try not to give in to despair!


John Bilancini is a comedian and writer based in Brooklyn, NY. He runs a pop culture nostalgia website called 80s Baby, which he updates every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. www.eightiesbaby.net

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