Drifting

Yesterday was a very strange day for me, working a shift at work after a troubled nights sleep that left me yearning for my bed whilst at work. At first I wondered if I was coming down with a cold, as I felt that numb weird feeling in my chest that normally precedes one. However it never really seemed to develop any further than being noticeable enough to push me out of “sync” with what was going on around me. That was when the shift got both interesting and a lot harder for me, constant yawning, a struggle to keep my eyes open and then the voices started!

Have you ever experienced that feeling that someone’s called your name or said something, I ask this because I feel I need to clarify this before moving on. It’s like a whispered aside, barely distinguishable from everyday noise. Perhaps you could even refer to it as the hint of a whisper that gently caresses your ear, prompting you to think of a voice calling you. I used to get that feeling, now I could swear blind I feel the breath of someone whispering into my ear, hairs on my neck startled like a hare, frozen in time.Within my mind it provokes to seemingly opposite emotions, I feel fear, I mean who wouldn’t at a disembodied voice speaking to them? I also feel as sense of calm acceptance, this feeling mingles with the fear, creating a synergy of them both.

So, I find myself drifting away in subtle reverie, I suppose you could say reliving memories from some distant dream, or am I? The amount of time and energy I expend each day convincing myself that this is real, when the so called “dream” world feel so much more tangible to me. This world feels so cold and alien, somewhere I don’t really fit in, as if I’m living my life through a looking glass. Ha, call me Alice, I’m pressed against the door!!

I dream of worlds vaguely different from this one, full of wonder and awe yet tinged with a sorrow so deep and mournful. However in my dreams I feel alive, unrestricted by this damned black dog, unfettered by inherent guilt for being alive. I can be myself, people in my dreams don’t mock or judge for callow reason they just accept me as another stray soul adrift in the sprawling multiverse of existence. Each day the urge to join the land of dreams for eternity becomes stronger, each day I fight the futile fight but I just don’t know how much longer I can avoid the subtle embrace of the end?

Remember the voices are your friend Jon, they only want the pain to stop, they only want you to be at rest, listen to the lilting lullaby goading you towards inevitable demise.