Suffering: The Gap between Reality and Expectation
What does it mean to suffer?
The Oxford English Dictionary defines the word suffer as:
“To undergo, endure
transitive: To have (something painful, distressing, or injurious) inflicted or imposed upon one; to submit to with pain, distress, or grief”
To suffer as a verb
This version is generally accepted, suffering is something we do
What about suffering, the noun?
The Britannica Dictionary defines suffering as
“pain that is caused by injury, illness, loss, etc.: physical, mental, or emotional pain”
I think a lot about the idea of suffering….
How it connects with our negative emotions
Stress, anger, fear, guilt, shame, frustration, and so on….
What causes suffering?
Many things, but here is one theory I use myself:
Suffering is the result of the difference between our expectations and reality
What we expect to happen, vs. what we actually experience
Expectations - Reality = Suffering
Suffering = Expectations - Reality
Last week, I found myself experiencing an immense amount of stress
I made plans to visit a friend who lives a few hours away
On paper, the drive is no more than two hours
Here is the issue: TRAFFIC
This my second time making this commute
My first experience scarred me
The drive requires driving directly past Disney World (plus Universal, SeaWorld, Lego-Land)
Last time, this turned what I initially believed was a two-hour trip, into a four-plus-hour car ride
Yes, this is a first-world problem, I realize that
But, if you’ve found yourself stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic for over an hour, I know you can relate
It’s one thing to go into travel knowing you will hit a wall of traffic
It is quite another to find yourself caught off-guard by it
Suffering = Expectations - Reality, and my expectations were quite naïve
This time, I planned on doing everything possible to avoid this this pain
(Without realizing that what I really needed was to adjust my expectations)
In the days leading up to the trip, I found my mind consumed by thoughts of traffic
Could I go a different route?
What if I left at a different time?
When is the best time to leave?
When is the worst time to leave?
And I going to be upset if I leave at a certain time?
There has to be some way to avoid that traffic….
I found myself continuously looking at Apple Maps, using the estimated departure function to figure out how I could possibly make this trip in two-hours
Things did not look good
My phone was telling me three hours minimum, whether I left at the break-of-dawn or late at night
Yet, for some reason, I refused to accept this
I kept thinking there must be something abnormal going on
Tomorrow it will look much better
It did not….
The first thing I when I woke up was check traffic
I planned to leave later that day, I found myself refreshing Apple Maps every 15 minutes
Hoping that somehow, the reality of what I would see, would match my expectations
I found myself unable to concentrate on my workout, my work, or anything at all
“I wonder what traffic looks like now?”
The gap between reality and my expectations was so frustrating!
Then I realized something…. Lightbulb-Moment….
“The gap between reality and my expectations is so frustrating!”
“What if I finally just accept this and adjust my expectations?”
“It’s not ideal, but at least I can come to terms with things….”
Right there, I found the feelings of frustration, stress, and anger begin to dissipate
I am not going to pretend like I was ecstatically happy all of a sudden
But I did feel more calm, more poised
I finally felt acceptance….
That the universe was not going to bend to the demands of my will
That I was only bending myself to the reality of the universe
Within that space, I felt suffering
Stepping out of it, gave me peace
How often does suffering result from the deviation between your expectation and reality?
Rather than from reality itself?
You feel like external circumstance is driving your emotion
Yet, the circumstance is often neutral
Instead, it is our reaction to the reality-expectation spread (deviation) that causes pain
It can be something as simple as someone running a few minutes late….
If my expectation was that this person is going to be on time, I quickly become frustrated
I begin to direct blame for my emotional suffering (and frustration) upon this person
“You said you would be here, I am still waiting….”
Is it really that painful to need to wait a few extra minutes?
No, not at all….
Yet, why DOES IT FEEL THIS WAY in the moment?
Because OUR EXPECTATIONS do not match up with the reality we are experiencing
It almost feels like “THIS IS NOT WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN”
How many times have you felt that?
THINGS WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO GO THIS WAY….
As I type this, I can think back to moments of my own suffering, and how this refrain was a constant chorus…..
We SUFFER when we REFUSE to accept REALITY as it is….
Rather than accepting and embracing what is, we view ourselves as victims
We are fooled into thinking we have been wronged as the result of external circumstance
When really, we are victims of our own unmet expectations
We can try our best to force the universe to confirm to our will
To surround ourselves with those who do as we say, act as we believe they should, and tell us what we want to hear
We can create a bubble where we feel “in-control” of things….
In doing so, we create such a fragile existence
Sooner or later, life does not go the way we want
And rather than accepting that reality, we try to fight it
We may numb, hide, and push away the pain
And in the short-term, we may even believe we’ve won
But we cannot eliminate our emotions this way, we can only deny them
That suffering can be repressed, but it stays somewhere within us
Eventually, it finds its way back to the surface
We can run, but we can’t hide
The truth is bound to come to light
There is another way
Acceptance
Embracing that reality is not shaped around our wants, our needs, our desires
That we can accept suffering as part of life
Once we stop trying to hide from our negative emotions, we learn to live with them
We find that we can experience “negative feelings” without losing ourselves in them
Sometimes, there is no way around traffic
We have to sit with it, deal with it, and accept it
It seems like the last thing anyone would want to do
But within that space of acceptance, lies freedom
The freedom to embrace suffering as a part of our journey
The understanding that this experience makes us human
It connects with one another
We can’t outmaneuver every traffic-jam
And there is peace in knowing it is silly to even try
Where are you experiencing a gap between reality and expectation?
Thought of the Day: 07–15–2024
