“Boys will be Boys” is shit

Stop justifying assholes by painting men as uncontrollable shitheads

John C. Welch
Jul 22, 2017 · 5 min read

So, of course with the recent, and well-earned, upheavals in Silicon Valley, i.e. Travis Kalalnick, Dave McClure, et al, the inevitable, and stupid, pushback has started. No really, here, the latest festering shitpool is right here on Medium, (Because of course it is.) I linked to it, but I don’t recommend reading it.

You know, I’ve heard that assholes like that should be fed to sharks or crocodiles. I disagree. Both of those animals have a purpose. They are highly tuned, highly adapted creatures. They are as elegant as they are terrifying. They are not here to take out the fucking garbage. What should happen to assholes like that is that they’re flung off a cliff onto a pile of other assholes, where over time as they slowly die, weather and bad vibes combine to form them into some kind of Sarlacc/Otyugh cross, so that when the next one is flung off the cliff, they’re converted to shit faster, and we at least get fertilizer out of them.

So here’s some pertinent background. I’m a middle-aged straight honkie cis male. Who’s in IT. My joke on that is “Everyone hates me!” You know what? I don’t view every encounter, every meeting with a woman as another chapter in the “Hunt For Poontang”. I’m not alone here, not by a long shot. And us? The guys who don’t do this shit? We’re just as tired of it as anyone, because it poisons shit.

It’s not masculinity either, it’s insecurity. There is nothing about masculinity that requires any man to try to put his dick inside of everyone that even vaguely meets whatever they consider “attractive”. That’s not masculinity. That’s insecurity. That’s being an asshole. Masculinity doesn’t require anyone to get ahead by putting people down, or stepping on people. That’s insecurity, that’s being an asshole.

This idiocy, and it is idiocy, that somehow anytime a man talks to a woman, he should be trying to get inside her pants…that’s not anything part of being male, being a man, being heterosexual. Oh, people will say that, because that way, they have no control over it. It’s genetic, it’s unconscious. We can’t control it. It’s part of what we are.

BULLLLLLLLLLLSHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

None of that is true. What is true is that the people spouting that are insecure assholes who don’t want to own their actions. They don’t want to own their shit. So they, like a little kid, come up with reason after reason after reason to justify their actions, hoping that if they spout that bullshit hard and fast enough, you’ll get overwhelmed, and you’ll start to believe it.

I said earlier that this idiocy poisons shit. You don’t have to look far to see it. Every professional encounter, regardless of location, women are like “Oh christ, please, this once, let me not get hit on.”

I want to take a minute to address the location shit. A meeting in a bar is not a date. Talking business at an after-conference party is not a date. Running into someone you work with/do business with is not a date. A date is a date, the rest aren’t. Don’t ask me to explain it, if you’re too fuckin’ stupid to understand the difference, you’re too fuckin’ stupid to understand the explanation. That’s not to say you don’t have relationships come out of working environments. That happens, literally, all the time, and it can be awesome when it works out. But every time a man talks to a woman at work is not the opening scene in a fucking rom-com. Grow up.

It poisons the ability of people to work together, to create the working relationship that helps things get done so well, even if it doesn’t exist three feet outside of work. At my previous gig, at an advertising agency, I was, on average, twenty years older than almost everyone there. Because it was a PR/Advertising/Marketing firm, it was something like half women. I had some amazing relationships with the folks working there, male, female, age didn’t matter, and ten feet outside the door, that all stopped. We didn’t hang out together after work. A few went to the same gym I do, but we didn’t go out after the gym together. Two decades of age difference will do that.

But at work, it was great. We got along swimmingly, had a lot of fun, lots of laughter. So I see this shit going on, and I think about it poisoning that, or the other work relationships I’ve been fortunate enough to have over the years, and it makes me equal parts sad and furious. Because it hurts people who don’t deserve it, and none of that, none of that is excused by “boys will be boys” or “he was a MAN looking for a relationship with a WOMAN.”

Before some monosynaptic idiot brings it up, yes, I have worked with some women who were amazingly attractive. “Heartbreakingly beautiful” would not be out of line. At no point did I not think that. We all have thoughts about the people we find attractive. The difference is, the adults, the grownups acknowledge those thoughts, set them aside, and don’t act on them because we are ADULTS who understand APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR. The problem isn’t the thoughts. As human beings, we have the right to our thoughts, to our own internal worlds. They help us get through the day, even through life. It is our actions that cause the problems. It is when we allow thoughts like “women can’t be good at tech” or “black people can’t be in charge” to affect our actions that we have problems. I honestly don’t give a fuck what people think, I care what they do. It’s perfectly okay for anyone to find another human being attractive, or not attractive. It is not okay to start randomly yelling that shit at them. Seriously, why does this need stating?

When you have over half the population, or even a significant part of that population forever prepared to fight or flight in every encounter they have with the other half of the population, it’s going to poison everything. It’s going to fuck everything up.

So basically, to the assholes doing this shit: stop. It’s that easy. Just don’t do it. Fix your shit. You’re not just being a healthy, normal man. You’re being an insecure asshole and those of use who are not are righteously sick of your shit.

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