The Best News Report *Ever*

“This is MSNBC reporting live from Washington DC.

Tonight, President Obama signed three executive orders. They:

  1. Make steak the official meal of the United States
  2. Make beer the official beverage of the United States
  3. Make the blowjob the official sexual act of the United States

When asked for comment, the President said “I cannot wait to see the Republican response condemning steak, beer, and blowjobs.” The President then uttered a laugh described by others in the room as “The kind of laugh Satan uses while he pulls your spine out through your urethra”, threw horns with both hands, performed what is described as “the most metal head whip by anyone, anywhere”, and pogoed out of the room. We yet cannot confirm reports that he was flipping the bird at the Capitol Building with both hands as he left.

Our street correspondents say that you can hear the sobbing from the DC Republican Leadership in Maine. As of yet, the Republican party has not issued a response other than “that evil motherfucker”. We’ll update this story as more information arrives. Back to you Rachel Maddow…Rachel? Um…well folks, it appears Rachel Maddow is laughing so hard, she had to run to the bathroom so as not to pee her pants. We’ll be right back after commercial.”

I know, I know, dignity, etc.