Well Thank God You’re Here to Tell Me That

This post brought to you by “It’s 3am and blow me, Asthma”

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning 47 times in a row while being assfucked by an Orca in the Sudan than winning

You heard this shit? It comes out every time people talk about the lottery or Powerball. Or my favorite:

The lottery is a tax on people who don’t understand Math.

You know what I don’t understand? How is it that things like the lottery and Powerball turn people into such raging assholes. Even the nicest people like…Neil Tyson turn into condescending dipshits over it:

With Lotteries funding State education budgets, the best way to sustain them is to NOT teach probability & statistics in school

Listen Waldo, lemme explain something that you may not have considered: by and large, people play the lottery and Powerball for the same reason they spend money on a lot of things: It’s fun. We know it’s a waste of money by and large, (although my friggin’ father in law is currently running about $3oo ahead of the game in terms of scratchoff tickets. Plays every time he goes hunting, and that cagey bastard has the touch.)

Yes, there are people who spend serious money on it, money they don’t have to waste, and for them, I feel far more sympathy than I do superiority. I’ve been in the kinds of situations where you’re desperate enough to do that. Kind of sucks.

But for the most part, we drop a twenty on Powerball tickets for the same reason we drop far more than that on the Mouse, or movies or any other form of entertainment. It’s fun. Yes it’s stupid, but so are a lot of things that the rest of the world doesn’t feel the need to try to slap people in the face with their dicks over. Take a look at some of the stuff you “waste” money on, and tell me it’s somehow more productive than the fucking lotto. That $180 or so you drop every year on Netflix, exactly what the fuck are you really getting out of it other than entertained and maybe laid? Right.

The best part, for me, are when people who are so very, very anti-mansplaining pull this shit. Because it’s like: Yo Sally, GUESS WHAT YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW!

Seriously y’all we know what the odds mean. We don’t play because we think somehow we change those or whatever. We play because it’s kind of fun. It’s the grownup version of “Let’s Play Pretend”. We regress back to little kids for a while and imagine the kind of ridiculous shit we’d get with A BILLION DOLLARS. (Also, shut the fuck up about taxes. We’re adults. We know how those work.) Then we smile, and go back to our regular lives, because we actually do live in reality.

So yeah. We actually aren’t stupid. We actually do know math. We know about the odds. We know about taxes. We’ve even read the Cracked articles on how winning the lottery ruined some people’s lives. We’ve read your incredible bits of wisdom without which we just do not fucking know how to live our goddamned lives. We hear all the useless noises you insist on making with that annoying hole that you have in your friggin’ face. And yet…

Seriously, just shut your fucking pie/cake hole here.

Maybe y’all should do something useful. Like hassle Girl Scouts about the health content in their cookies. I’m sure they’ll properly appreciate your amazing wisdom.