6 better things to do with your time

This is one of the photos that came up when I searched ‘gang’.

If you waste your time reading articles on Medium or watching TV aka The Boob Tube then you need to read this post immediately (I know that sounds hypocritical). Below I detail 6 drop-dead-simple things you can do to both improve your wellbeing and self-worth, but also strengthen your mind.

I thought that as a near-perfect human being I could help you improve yourself. So here are some things that I suggest you try to do regularly that are not watching television. See how many you can do!

  1. Start a street gang. In this day and age, with so many police divisions buying up equipment originally used in the Middle East to fight terror, it’s easy to start your own gang! All the established ones are brutally destroyed at the hands of law enforcement in the name of the public good. Just find a few friends, beat the living hell out of each other, establish a charter and acquire health insurance, and you’re off to the races!
  2. Build your own border wall. No one said that the only Mexican Wall had to be directly touching Mexico. You too can spend untold billions by hiring your friends to price gauge you on a wall that literally cannot work. You’ll learn great skills like architecture and fraud.
  3. Be one of the people who walks around with a clipboard and asks people if they are registered to vote. Seriously. There’s no better class of human being than those folks who go to parks, libraries, outdoor lunch spots and other venues to harangue people who’re minding their own goddam business into signing a ballot initiative for some doomed-to-die anti-fracking legislation.
  4. Open another coffee shop in OTR. Yes, we need a 9th place to get a morning cup of coffee in an eight block radius.
  5. Collect Bugs. You know, you never really see adults doing this. It’s always creepy kids. Why not be a creepy grown-up version of the kid with all those smelly jars on shelves in his room? Sure, it might lead to killing neighborhood pets and ultimately serial killing, but you’ll have a wicked show-and-tell piece during the nationally broadcast court case.
  6. Build Blanket Forts — At work! A fun twist on a childhood favorite. What client wouldn’t pounce on the opportunity to crawl on the ground in the conference room to discover a plate of cookies at the end of a labyrinthine maze? You’ll be promoted to CEO in no time. Actually, if you do this, please call me. I’d love to eat cookies in a blanket fort. Note: you may need to bring blankets from home, unless you work in a blanket factory.

See? Don’t you feel more creative and energized already? Turn off the Idiot Box and break open the elbow grease and improve your life!

Please mom don’t hate me for writing this.