I’m running for President in 2020

I’ve decided to throw my hat in the ring for the next election cycle. I pick the 2020 cycle because I’ll have attained the minimum required age: Thirty-five. Besides being pretty old, I’ll also be qualified as hell to run this great country. From passing laws, giving speeches, flying around in airplanes, to dropping bombs on people to make them have democracy, I got this shit on lock.


The Executive Branch is an industry that is ripe for disruption. Talk about a market that hasn’t changed in a while — it’s been the same job for something like 200+ years. I’m about to be the Uber of declaring war on unsuspecting terrorist organizations. I’m about to be Facebook for lowering taxes, improving infrastructure, and getting to go to baller-ass locales with my own armed goon squad. I’ll be the Google of having all the answers to every foreign policy question ever. Suit up, bitches.

“I’ll be the scrum master of the free world.”

What sets me apart from my competitors is this — I’m talking about running this country with the AGILE methodology. I will be sitting in that oval office, talking about my mantra of Fail Early, Fail Often. We’ll have the cabinet doing daily scrums. I’ll be the scrum master of the free world. That’s what the United States needs — some early fuckups that we can chalk up to learning experiences. We’ll take that investor money (taxes, that’s just free dough, sucka) and we’ll set ourselves up for an 8-year burn. I’m going to skid to a stop in 2028 and take stock: what did we get done? And I’ll tell you, it’s going to be so much winning like you’ve never seen:

  • College debt? Gone. Everyone will be an autodidact immediately.
  • American made stuff — only it will be as cheap as Chinese stuff.
  • But the workers will make the same money.
  • Actually, they’ll get a raise. Everyone gets a raise. But costs will still go down.
  • Healthcare — everyone can STFU about canceling Obamacare. It’s staying. Stop already. Just stop.
  • Weed — you already know. Weed will be so legal, you’ll go to jail if you don’t smoke (or at least breathe it into your mouth, exhaling slowly so you look cool in front of your friends).
  • No more Justin Bieber ever for any reason.
  • No more spying on American citizens. Also the TSA goes away. No one is shooting my body with so much radiation that you can see me naked on a computer screen, you creep.
  • Immigrants can stay. We aren’t building a wall around the US… ain’t nobody got time for that.
  • Also, refugees can come here. I thought this was a Christian nation? Quit being a bunch of assholes.
  • Fox News is canceled forever, and everyone who worked there is being deported. This will immediately raise the collective U.S. IQ by at least 10 points.

That’s just the first few weeks in office. The rest of the time will be spent going on tour, signing autographs, getting on stage with Metallica, etc. I also plan to learn how to play golf, as that seems pretty standard for being rich as hell and white and old. We’ll also make the Bengals win the Super Bowl every year.

Being President of the United States won’t be the shittiest job on earth anymore. I’ll get up in the morning, put on my solid gold underwear, and spend my day getting people jazzed about being American. I’m also going to personally slap every dumbass who copies and pastes idiotic shit on the internet. Do your research or shut your mouth.

Actually maybe we can make a separate internet for idiots. I’ll have to ask my cabinet of genius Rhodes scholar supermodels in one of our daily scrums.

Anyway, I hope you’ll vote for me. I think I’m going to need something like 300 million dollars to run, so please send checks made payable to Cash to me. I look forward to Making America Less Stupid in 2020.

Love always,


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